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Why We Should Be Thankful Volkswagen Is Screwing the Environment

By Petr Knava | Social Media | September 22, 2015 |

By Petr Knava | Social Media | September 22, 2015 |

Good morning, Pajiba!

Good morning from the land of rain, tea, and dead pig-defiling Prime Ministers!

I’m zeke the pig and I say good morning to you from England; Bongledonk Crumpleflick says to say a very posh, ‘hello’ to you; and Martin Freeman says to give you all the finger.


Dustin — your overlord and surveyor — has very kindly asked me to kick off the day’s posts with some news-type-y stuff from now on, which — to me — is clear proof of two things:

1) He’s even more insane than we always feared, and

2) He’s not quite insane enough to ignore the very real possibility of another grease fire in his kitchen.

So the lesson is, children: threats work!

Just kidding of course!

Only fire-based threats do.

Now, this is my first foray into the non-comments section of Pajiba, so it probably won’t be very polished, but I’m pretty sure that in time I can become your resident John Oliver. Now now waitaminute! — put away your pitchforks and bear with me! John and I have a lot in common: we’re both white males with dark hair; we both have a British accent; and, uh, hmm…

Anyway let’s all take a minute to thank Volkswagen US for their excellent work in the systematic cheating of emissions tests! So basically the equivalent of stepping on some scales after tying some helium balloons to your spare tyre.

Yes, it’s been revealed that the US branch of Volkswagen has been caught using an ingenious contraption called a defeat device that “recognises when the car is being tested and immediately cuts emissions to a level that is much lower than normal and unsustainable under usual driving conditions.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: why is Petr saying we should be thanking Volkswagen for this heinous act of sidestepping environmental obligations? Corporations are often accused of short-term profit-driven thinking that very often has long term negative effects. This criticism is very often also heard loudest when it comes to environmental concerns, and against the backdrop of reports that the planet set three major heat records this August it may seem like a reasonable concern … WELL GUESS WHAT GUYS, IT’S US WHO’VE BEEN THINKING SHORT TERM!

The lovely folks of Volkswagen US just know that the more emissions are farted out into the atmosphere, the quicker we can all get … to this


And. Who. Doesn’t. Want. That?!

Isn’t that right, Mr Michael Horn, President and CEO of Volkswagen Group of America?


See, he knows what he’s doing.

So now that Immortan Joe Michael Horn and his mates have shown us the light, by just this morning admitting up to 11 million vehicles are involved, and we know that we’ve had this completely the wrong way round, I say we all lend a hand. Let’s get those emissions up as quick as possible, people!

Buy the biggest SUV you can to drive around otherwise perfectly walkable distances!
Leave all your lights and taps on as much as possible!

Squeeze a cow and make it release some of that delicious methane into the atmosphere! The quicker we all do this, the sooner we can see what The Bullet Farm actually looks like!

Well, maybe not us. But maybe a few of our deranged, deformed, wasteland-blasted kids might. And you know what? I think that’s worth a shot!