I am turning 30 next year. As an older millennial, my current life status is a bit different than the late 20s of my parents, who had a house and two kids by now. I have an apartment (no roommates!), a dog, and can even keep houseplants alive, so I’m FINE, but there is still the nagging feeling that I am a little bit behind. So, when MarketWatch tweeted out that you should have twice your salary saved by the time you turn 35, everyone on Twitter absolutely lost their minds, and I was right along with them. If only I had abandoned my love of avocado toast earlier!
By 35, you should have twice your salary saved, according to retirement experts: https://t.co/QoVA6EFpHJ— MarketWatch (@MarketWatch) May 12, 2018
I can't be only one who reads this & thinks "Who are they TALKING to?" I didn't have that much saved in my 30s. No one I knew had that much saved their 30s & most of us were solid middle class. Is this advice only for the rich? If so, maybe start w/"95% of Americans can ignore." https://t.co/HlTQM5sYGx— Jeaniene Frost (@Jeaniene_Frost) May 15, 2018
When did my mom start writing articles https://t.co/s00nY8jTTq— Erica Henderson (@EricaFails) May 15, 2018
I think you meant to say,— From Russia with Love (@emanzi) May 14, 2018
By 35 you should have debt twice your salary.
[turns pockets inside out; two moths fly out]— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) May 15, 2018
oh no my moths https://t.co/SpVs7AVfqO
Everyone's roasting this, but to be fair "be rich" is very good financial advice https://t.co/5gmopOoDiP— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) May 15, 2018
Salary is a grass pokémon right https://t.co/sqWhjkPm37— Leesha Hannigan (@LeeshaHannigan) May 14, 2018
However, some people managed to make lemonade out of lemons, and tweeted out some better (or at least more hilarious) advice beyond “make the broken capitalist system work in your favor.”
By 42, you should be able to lift thrice your own weight.— Anna Hughes (@AnnaGHughes) May 15, 2018
By 16, you should have written your first screenplay.
By 8, you should have your self portrait hanging in the Philadelphia museum of art. https://t.co/BtIYQkPQVD
By 35, you should have collected all the Chaos Emeralds and have half the Infinity Gems in your grasp, say retirement experts. https://t.co/IE3ZMN0PkK— Andrien 🔜 E3 (@EscoBlades) May 15, 2018
By age 35 you should have a huge box of cables but you can't throw them out because you're pretty sure you still need a couple of them but you're not sure which ones— Lori G 🌸 (@LoriG) May 19, 2018
By age 35, you should have destroyed two death stars and redeemed the most feared villian in the Galaxy.— Tom McFarlin (@tommcfarlin) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should have at least one fork in your cutlery drawer that you just don’t like, and actively frown at if you accidentally grab it.— Nutella Enchanted (@chrisopotamia) May 20, 2018
By age 35, you should have at least 10 framed pictures of Jeff Goldblum in your home.— Sam Sykes (@SamSykesSwears) May 20, 2018
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl— Jon "Jon Baker" Baker (@JonBaker) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should have a shelf full of books you can't read because they're not ebooks, but can't throw away either because you intend to read them.— Kiran Jonnalagadda (@jackerhack) May 20, 2018
By age 35, you should have melted at least half of your rings of power in the incomparable heat of Mt. Doom, leading Tolkien experts say.— 𝙹𝚘𝚜𝚑 𝙶𝚛𝚞𝚋𝚋𝚜 (@JoshuaGrubbsPhD) May 16, 2018
By age 35 you should be able to re-watch Bridget Jones and think 'You're only 30 and you manage to afford to live alone?'— Emma Reynolds (@EmmaIllustrate) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should have approximately 10 times the existential dread you had when you graduated high school.— Greg Hillis (@gregorykhillis) May 20, 2018
by age 35 you should have a kitchen cabinet dedicated entirely to plastic bags that contain other, smaller plastic bags— vytas (@peakysblinder) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should run into friends and say "WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!" twice a week. You will never hang out. You'll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.— Luke Trayser (@trukelayser) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should stop paying attention to condescending life advice from strangers writing think pieces.— Hipster Viking Amy (@lasrina) May 19, 2018
All jokes aside, what is your go-to “do this before you’re 35” suggestion? Everyone moves at their own pace and it’s not healthy to compare your life journey (yes, I hate me too right now) to someone else’s, but goals are important. Or at least accumulating worthwhile experiences. So, share your wisdom with a dumb twentysomething. I need all the help I can get.