'Help, My Viral Heroin Story Is a Lie, but MS-13 Really Does Want to Kill Me, Money Please!'
As a white male writer, I feel extremely comfortable saying there needs to be way fewer of us. Possibly even zero. And that feeling has only increased a billion-fold after watching the Shane Morris horsesh*t bonanza play out.
To bring everyone up to speed, earlier in the week, Morris achieved viral fame thanks to a Twitter thread where he claims he “accidentally” smuggled a kilo of heroin while essentially ripping off MS-13 in the process. It’s the type of story that’s immediately bullsh*t on its face, so of course, large swaths of Twitter ate it right the hell up because our world is broken.
Obviously, the whole exercise was a ploy to land a development deal, and that part of the con began to reveal itself when Morris suddenly started acting very concerned about the attention his viral fame was generating. And you can clearly tell how much Morris fears for his life by the way he not only left the original thread up but pinned it to the top of his Twitter profile. (You can literally see it in the header photo.)
The fact that you blatantly misrepresented the course of events in order to generate some clicks for ad revenue is fucking disgusting. Trust me, I'm well aware that I already made a mistake my naming the specific gang. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't.— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) May 24, 2019
i just want everyone in the media who reads this to understand something. I'm a real person, just like you. I have a wife I love. I have a dog I take for walks every day. I have a sister who is my best friend.— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) May 24, 2019
When you write headlines, think about me like I'm a person, please.
Now, would it be hilarious if MS-13 wanted to kill this idiot over a shameless ploy for retweets? Haha, yes. Absolutely. And by the end of this post, you’ll want that part to be true more than you’ve ever wanted anything in your life. Except, obviously, none of that is happening. But that didn’t stop Morris from leaning heavily into that narrative in his “apology” post on Medium, where he straight-up admits he lied about the heroin story, but he’s totally telling the truth about needing money to go into hiding because he’s the Twitter version of Chunk from The Goonies now. “Okay, Michael Jackson didn’t come over to my house to use the bathroom. — But his sister did!”
I wanted my life to be a movie, and now it is, but in the most unintended way. If this story had been real, it would have ended with me going into hiding. Now, I'm being forced to live that reality. I'm sorry y'all. https://t.co/ka3PHNSsa4— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) May 24, 2019
But don’t take Morris’ word for it. Just read this entirely believable and not-at-all racist exchange with his “weed man” written by super reliable narrator Shane Morris.
But this lie has been incredibly stupid, and it comes with a heavy cost. A few hours ago, my weed man came by for his usual delivery. I don’t know how you are with your weed man, but my weed man and I have a good relationship. (Life lesson: Keep a good relationship with your weed man. Tip for delivery.) While he was at my house, I was showing him the thread, the whole story, and how I went viral. When I got to the very end, he said, “Wait. Hol’ up. Hol’ the fuck up. Did you actually just casually throw out how you robbed MS-13? Bro, that is the fucking whitest shit I have ever heard in my entire life. Like, bro, you know me. I used to bang. I know these n****as. These n****as ain’t just gonna murder you. They’re gonna make that shit last for six fucking hours. Bro. I don’t even know if I can be at this fucking house right now.”
The narrator voice went off in my head: “At moment, I realized I had fucked up.”
He demanded I leave my home. I don’t recollect his exact words, but it was, “If you don’t get the fuck outta this house, right now, I’m gonna kill you myself, so at least I know you died a painless death. I’m dead fucking serious homey. Get the fuck outta this house.”
Compelling argument, right? Thankfully, it’s not literally surrounded by paragraph after paragraph of Morris bragging about how “legendary” he is at lying, which he argues is the basis of all good storytelling when you think about it. It’s almost like he should be lying for a living, and now that he has your attention…
The reality of this situation is that I should probably be writing screenplays, rather than coding software. If you loved the story I just told, and you thought, “Wow, that should be a movie.” — I agree with you. In fact, many agents agreed with you, because my phone hasn’t stopped ringing in three days. I would love for this story to be a movie, but I need you to know it’s not a movie “based on a true story”. If you want to watch a film based upon what you just read, you should know that it’s only “based on a true story” in the sense that it’s written around the story of two almost-broke guys who bought a van.
The vast majority of films you see aren’t based in reality. They’re elaborate stories told by brilliant liars. That’s what screenwriters do, if you put it in perspective: They tell stories that never happened, purely to entertain you. The stories are lies, because they never really happened, but it’s okay to lie in film. We know it’s not real.
Wait a minute. I’m starting to think this whole thing isn’t an apology to the industry people Morris lied to at all. I’m starting to think this is about how awesome Shane Morris is at lying, or as he calls it, “writing,” but feel free to stick with the term lying if it ends in money. He’s cool either way.
Does the fact that I lied make the entire story any less compelling? Sure. It’s fun believing it was a true story, and I hope you can still see me as a creative writer, knowing that the entire thing is a work of fiction. I hope if you read through it again, you decide to paint a picture with your mind, and see it as a movie in your head.
So many of you called me a “legend”, and that’s not who I am. The truth about me is so vanilla, it hurts. The harsh reality is that when I was in my early 20s, I liked camping and hiking. Then I became a mid-level music blogger in my mid 20s. Then I became a mid-level record label guy in my late 20s. Now, in my early 30s, I write software for insurance agencies. Not much about me is legendary, aside from my imagination.
Keep in mind, this entire spiel where Shane bares his soul about how bad he feels about lying — even though everyone agrees he’s a fucking legend at it — is still couched within a Medium essay where he claims his former gang-banger weed dealer says MS-13 is going to kill him. I feel like that part is getting lost in the mix. Especially while Shane is extremely committed to that narrative on Twitter.
(If he deletes all of these, which I assume is coming, the text will remain. I ain’t got time to screencap this much white nonsense. I have a life. — Wow, lying really is easy. Holy shit.)
Buddy, I don't have a lot of shame when it comes to literally keeping me and my wife alive. Fuck shame. Being alive is my goal at the moment.— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) May 24, 2019
Good news for all you snarky people: If the GoFundMe fails, I get murdered, and this whole things becomes a documentary, rather than a drama.— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) May 24, 2019
In my own way, I'll become Twitter Jesus — where I die, so others may have a contest to see who can leave the funniest comment.
Here's some other good news! I won't be covered in tattoos anymore. In order to actually disappear successfully, I need to have something like $50,000 in laser tattoo removal done, so I can't be identified by my tattoos.— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) May 24, 2019
You win twice!
You think I put a price on my own head, so I could finally pursue my dreams of relocating to a flyover state?— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) May 24, 2019
I wish I was that good. I appreciate you giving me that much credit.
Well, because I need the momentum from the posts to make sure anyone who sees this knows I didn't really scam a gang. There are screenshots all over FB, Reddit, etc. I can't kill all those screenshots. It's a bad situation — but I need all the context.— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) May 24, 2019
If you're trying to lose weight, I highly recommend the Gang Beef Diet. Start a beef with a notorious gang, and then wait for the death threats to roll in.— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) May 24, 2019
You won't eat, you'll vomit like 6 times a day, and due to wrecked nerves, you'll burn like 3,000 calories from shaking.
Nah. I'm gonna do the same shit I always do when I find myself in a near death situation: Joke about it, and sincerely hope this shit isn't painful.— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) May 24, 2019
So your genius plan is for me to go to the police and… snitch? Ah yes. That's brilliant. No one ever died from snitching. Good call. Lol.— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) May 24, 2019
You want the MS-13 stuff to be real now, don’t you? Toldja.
Header Image Source: Twitter
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