Everyone has a very short fuse right now on social media. They’re upset people like things they don’t like, that Tiger King exists or that there isn’t more of it to watch (yet), and that… well, fill in the blank, kids. The stay-at-home order is really doing a number on our mental health and causing us to lash out at people and things we normally would ignore and scroll past.
In the spirit of purging all of this negativity, I bring you examples of little things that instantly make normal people into rage monsters even when they can leave their homes. Perhaps if we all share in some airing of grievances, we can move past some anger and resentment toward people that are nowhere near us and stop picking fights passive-aggressively on social media platforms.
So let’s look at what u/Gameboiyer8272 hath wrought by opening up this Pandora’s Box of rage-inducing events and revel in it together.
The husband has not been sleeping well since this whole [waves arms] started. More than once he’s come into the bedroom while I’m asleep, only to fling the door open and hurl me back into the world of pissed off wakefulness.
‘Unexpected item in bagging area.’
It’s not unexpected, you digital fuck. You literally just told me what it is. It’s right there on the screen. I did the wavy-wave, you did the bleepy-bleep; up until the point where you decided to have an electronic stroke, things were going exactly according to plan. What you mean is that you haven’t been programmed right. Don’t go putting this on me, like I’ve somehow gone out of my way to surprise you. I’ve got places to be, man. I can’t be playing hide-the-actual-salami with the Terminator’s younger, shittier cousin.
Oh, and now you’ve sent for backup. Well done. Now I have to deal with a human person who thinks I’m either an imbecile or a thief for not being able to work what’s effectively a bathroom scale with delusions of grandeur for the fourth time.
My Mom and I walked around my neighborhood over the weekend —remaining six feet apart at all times— and my dog, Zero, dropped a hot deuce in a neighbor’s yard. We immediately grabbed a poo bag from the nearby park and she cleaned it up, because ew. It’s not difficult even if it isn’t fun times.
One day I was cleaning my house and went to round a corner. Well, my pinky toe decided it wanted to hug the wall corner while the rest of my foot kept going. I broke that stupid toe and had to wear a little boot thing on it for EVER. IT SUCKED.
When my kid was just a little toddling booger butt, she sometimes did not want to sit still in restaurants or mind me in stores. More than once I walked out of a store with her under my arm like a writhing sack of screeching potatoes, leaving a cart behind. If we were eating dinner, one of us would wait in the car with the kid while the other ate their dinner, swapping before heading for home. If I don’t want to hear it, no one else does either.
Screw Cake Day BUT! When I attended the orientation for college, my friend Jesse went with me even though he already went to his own orientation earlier. He absolutely went into one of the little meetings and participated in the icebreaker, telling people his name was Pepe and he was from Troy. It was awkward and hilarious when someone approached him after the session and Jesse admitted while cracking up, that his name was not Pepe and he was not from Troy.
Apparently, some places look like the sequence in 28 Days Later when Cillian Murphy’s character wakes up in an abandoned hospital and then walks the empty streets of London. Garbage is bad, but virus garbage? COME ON.
Header Image Source: Fox Searchlight Pictures