People announced its Sexiest Man Alive last night. Was it one of the cool new stars of Star Wars, like Oscar Isaac or Adam Driver? Was it one of the big stars who have movies coming out later this year, like Ryan Gosling or Tom Hardy? Was it the actual Sexiest Man Alive, John Oliver? Was it James Bond’s Daniel Craig? Or the guy who should be the next James Bond, Idris Elba? Or what about Michael B. Jordan, who is expected the blow the roof off the dump in next week’s Creed?
Oh god no! Those would be interesting choices, and the Sexiest Man Alive must be foreign, lily-white, stubbly, and boring. Like last year’s Chris Hemsworth.
Or this year’s David Beckham.
Sure, People. Make no waves. Rock no boats. Peddle pictures of glossy cardboard celebrities on your glossy paper magazine. Appeal to everyone by not offending anyone. Congratulations, you don’t matter!