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Mark Zuckerberg Killed a Goat and Fed It to Jack Dorsey (Subtle, Darkest Timeline, Real Subtle)

By Mike Redmond | Social Media | January 24, 2019 |

By Mike Redmond | Social Media | January 24, 2019 |


As the foundations of society crumble under the weight of a new technological age, and the definition of reality continues its rapid descent into chaos at the whim of a gelatinous, orange overlord, what better time to learn that the architects of our destruction are slaughtering animals and feeding them to each other? Granted, this tale of a bizarre meal between Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is more Silicon Valley than Call of Cthulhu, let’s cut to the chase: We’re the goat. The goat is us.

From Rolling Stone:

What was your most memorable encounter with Zuckerberg? Well, there was a year when he was only eating what he was killing. He made goat for me for dinner. He killed the goat.

In front of you?
No. He killed it before. I guess he kills it. He kills it with a laser gun and then the knife. Then they send it to the butcher.

A . . . laser gun?
I don’t know. A stun gun. They stun it, and then he knifed it. Then they send it to a butcher. Evidently in Palo Alto there’s a rule or regulation that you can have six livestock on any lot of land, so he had six goats at the time. I go, “We’re eating the goat you killed?” He said, “Yeah.” I said, “Have you eaten goat before?” He’s like, “Yeah, I love it.” I’m like, “What else are we having?” “Salad.” I said, “Where is the goat?” “It’s in the oven.” Then we waited for about 30 minutes. He’s like, “I think it’s done now.” We go in the dining room. He puts the goat down. It was cold. That was memorable. I don’t know if it went back in the oven. I just ate my salad.

So, a couple of things:

1. The f*ck?

2. Am I the only one who finds deep, perverse joy in the fact that the social media platform of choice for overly-Christian conservatives is run by a dude who consumes quasi-raw goats killed by his own hand? I’m not up on my Satanic rituals, but that seems like the kind of shit that ends in Patti LuPone saying the abortion is on the house. Or one of those creepy, slow-motion orgies where everyone looks like they’re in a Prodigy video. Again, it’s been a while.

3. How does any of this work? Does Mark Zuckerberg announce he wants a snack and then a farmhand emerges from a hut with a stun gun? Or does Zuck carry it in a holster? Also, why a stun gun? Does that somehow make the killing more humane? The goat’s dying either way. Only now it gets electrocuted before some asshole who looks like Data from Star Trek’s smaller, more anemic son comes at it with a knife.

ZUCK: Hide’s a little tough today, ey, Ramon?

HAND: You are trying to cut with the handle, Mr. Zuckerberg.

ZUCK: Ha! So I was. So I was…

HAND: Would you like an ambulance? You are very bleeding.

GOAT: I could just lick it off.



GOAT: Oh, what? So now I’m the weird one here? F*ck you.

Mike is a Staff Contributor living in Pennsyltucky. You can follow him on Twitter.

Header Image Source: CNBC

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