If You Eat Hot Dogs, You're Eating People
This is an important announcement from the Pajiba Ministry of Health Consciousness.
If you eat hot dogs, chances are, you’re a cannibal.
No, not that kind. The very fact that you are a cannibal by virtue of hot dogs practically makes you a different species from the good doctor, and he shan’t be partaking of your flesh.
A company named Clear Foods, which “uses genomic technology to analyze the world’s foods at a molecular level, ingredient by ingredient” had the bright idea of using their technology to evaluate different brands of hot dogs in order to check their ingredients.
So, um, they found human DNA in them. Like, a lot of it. In fact, 2% of samples contained human DNA. The company has not speculated on the cause, but let’s face it, we have long known that farmers are lonely and that hot dogs are made out of animal butts. Open your eyes, sheeple.
Dramatic recreation of the science behind the discovery:
Perhaps even more disturbing is the fact that two-thirds of vegetarian hot dogs contained human DNA. We’re blowing the lid right off of this conspiracy. You know why vegetarian hot dogs taste like death? Because they are literally death. Soylent green, anyone? We should have known, after all, does anyone actually know what a soy bean is? Of course not, they’re made in industrial murder factories as protein pellets for the vegetarian cannibal cabal. Where do they get the bodies? Well, for starters, there is no concrete evidence that anyone has ever actually been cremated in this country in the last two decades. Think about it.