PepsiCo, fresh off of their well-received commercial featuring Peter Dinklage and Busta Rhymes vs. Morgan Freeman and Missy Elliott, announced that they will be making non-crunchy, non-messy chips for women. In smaller packaging. That fits in a purse.
Why? Oh, because ladies are very frightened of the loud noises one makes when eating chips and would like to be able to hide in the attic of their home and snack away without waking up the Babadook. Ladies also don’t enjoy licking chip flavor off of their fingers or dumping the crumbs in the bottom of the bag into their dainty pieholes. No no no. That will not do.
In swoops PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi to assure us that our delicate taste buds and sensibilities will not be ignored when they are around, I will tell you that much.
“It’s not a male and female [scenario] as much as ‘are there snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently?’ And yes, we are looking at it, and we’re getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon.”
Package it differently and make it fit in a purse? Look for bags of Doritos the size of a folded panty liner and then get ready to snack, ladies!
No one is having any of this nonsense.
Lady Doritos should be so crunchy that the noise drowns out the whining of any man within a 10-foot radius https://t.co/ZqheTHXv5s— Elahe Izadi (@ElaheIzadi) February 5, 2018
The only good thing about the new quiet “Lady Doritos” is now they can’t hear us coming pic.twitter.com/irMRblNDP4— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) February 5, 2018
Say what you will about Paul Ryan's $1.50 a week tax bill savings, but that's 14 bags of Lady Doritos a year.— Gina (@ginadivittorio) February 5, 2018
A bag of Lady Doritos is a bag of Doritos that has 23% fewer chips and costs the same.— Wil 'Get rid of the Nazis' Wheaton (@wilw) February 6, 2018
I hope they also changed the shape of lady Doritos, I find triangle shape of the normal dorito to be too masculine for me to eat! Please consider a vaginal shape? #LadyDoritos— Noureen DeWulf (@noureendewulf) February 5, 2018
Breaking news: Mike Pence not allowed to be in the same room as Lady Doritos unless he is accompanied by “Mother.”— Linda Childers (@lindachilders1) February 5, 2018
🎶 Lay-dee Doritos / Gonna eat your quiet chips like wet Tostitos / They'll be dustless like some naked Cheetos / Carry them in pussy hats they're super neato / Lady Doritos… 🎶 pic.twitter.com/QfjVJ0wj4z— Courtney Enlow (@courtenlow) February 5, 2018
Listen, idiots in advertising. Ladies don’t need their own version of snacks, okay? We don’t need chips to not crunch, Doritos to not stain our hands, or special Dr. Pepper that talks like it found its grandad’s stash of boner pills. We are, and stay with me here, PEOPLE. So just treat us like people, you dumb dumbs.