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Did the Kent State Gun Girl Sh*t Her Pants at a Party? A Political Thriller (Updated)

By Mike Redmond | Social Media | January 22, 2020 |

By Mike Redmond | Social Media | January 22, 2020 |


kent-state-gun-girl-maga.jpg

Just in case there are any doubts about my bonafides as a political commenter, we’re going to talk about the greatest social media mystery of the past year if not our entire lives:

Did the Kent State Gun Girl really sh*t her pants at a party?

So right off the bat, I’ll say the evidence is not good. The primary source is Barstool Sports, so any sane and rational writer should’ve immediately deleted this post and never spoke of it again. Fortunately, I’m not that smart, which you can tell by the “smoking gun” video I embedded below because this train’s already left the station, and I have no idea how you drive one of these things. I’m honestly just jerking levers and pushing buttons at this point.

Congratulations, you now have all of the available facts even though that’s not how that word works. So let’s weigh them out.

In the innocent column, you have a bro-douche website that either heard or deliberately started a rumor about a right-wing gun nut shitting her pants at a college party. Are the chances of Kaitlin Bennett actually being invited to a party slim? Probably. Inconceivable? Not entirely. Does she turn around and surprisingly own Barstool Sports for what’s obviously a stunt? … *squints*… Holy shit, yes. Yes, she does.

What is happening?

I’m sorry. I have no love for GunHair PoopPants and vehemently oppose everything she stands for, but I also have zero love for Barstool, so that was a solid burn. I’m counting it. I’m fair, but firm.

Anyway, in the guilty column, we started out with nothing but a tissue-paper-thin rumor with seemingly no discernible origin. Literally, the only argument is a strong, almost superhuman desire for Gun Girl to be the exact kind of chick who shits herself at parties because she pulls crap like this all of the time. (See what I did back there? Kill me.)

However, with the topic continuing to splatter all over social media with no end in sight, Twitter sleuths trained their eyes on Poop Girl’s account and found what sadly looks like an explanation. Turns out there really was a rogue shitter at a Kent State party, but it was Kaitlin’s friend who she allegedly met after the now legendary fart that shouldn’t have been trusted. These tweets also predate Barstool’s reporting by a considerable margin, so surprisingly, they didn’t pull this story out of their ass.

So here’s the good news and the bad news. The good news is that Kaitlin Bennett can’t do anything without being endlessly associated with shitting her pants. She’s practically synonymous with it. The bad news is the Poop Girl moniker is a double-edged turd because she has actually managed to leverage it into right-wing social media fame. Like pole-vaulting with a sturdy log into a toilet bowl of impressions.

The silver lining is that ShartPants PewPewHair is no longer tooting under the radar, so when she does something like post a series of transphobic interview questions that spectacularly backfire in her face, the internet is waiting to dunk on her.

Unfortunately, if you’re wondering why that first tweet is just a screencap, Machine Gun Poopy is apparently very good at working the Twitter refs. Not only did she get The Naked Philanthropist’s tweet deleted, but if you happened to catch Kaitlin’s transphobic videos going viral on Twitter in early January 2020, the account posting them is completely gone. Just absolutely nuked. So that’s our world now.

Verdict: Social media is a sewer, and we’re all floating in it until we die.

Good game.

See also: How the Kent State Gun Girl Saved Christmas




Header Image Source: YouTube/Liberty Hangout


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