Just in case there are any doubts about my bonafides as a political commenter, we’re going to talk about the greatest social media mystery of the past year if not our entire lives:
Did the Kent State Gun Girl really sh*t her pants at a party?
So right off the bat, I’ll say the evidence is not good. The primary source is Barstool Sports, so any sane and rational writer should’ve immediately deleted this post and never spoke of it again. Fortunately, I’m not that smart, which you can tell by the “smoking gun” video I embedded below because this train’s already left the station, and I have no idea how you drive one of these things. I’m honestly just jerking levers and pushing buttons at this point.
Gun girl definitely pooped her pants pic.twitter.com/CTov2SX4wm— Barstool News Network (@BarstoolNewsN) July 31, 2019
Congratulations, you now have all of the available facts even though that’s not how that word works. So let’s weigh them out.
In the innocent column, you have a bro-douche website that either heard or deliberately started a rumor about a right-wing gun nut shitting her pants at a college party. Are the chances of Kaitlin Bennett actually being invited to a party slim? Probably. Inconceivable? Not entirely. Does she turn around and surprisingly own Barstool Sports for what’s obviously a stunt? … *squints*… Holy shit, yes. Yes, she does.
What is happening?
But you pooped your pants. https://t.co/awlWWgD2dw— KFC (@KFCBarstool) February 18, 2019
It's no wonder @KFCBarstool attacks me for defending the 2A by making up childish lies. He was too much of a pansy to defend the woman he was supposed to love the most, and went and cheated on her days before & after she gave birth to their son instead. What a fucking man— Kaitlin Bennett (@KaitMarieox) February 18, 2019
I’m sorry. I have no love for GunHair PoopPants and vehemently oppose everything she stands for, but I also have zero love for Barstool, so that was a solid burn. I’m counting it. I’m fair, but firm.
Anyway, in the guilty column, we started out with nothing but a tissue-paper-thin rumor with seemingly no discernible origin. Literally, the only argument is a strong, almost superhuman desire for Gun Girl to be the exact kind of chick who shits herself at parties because she pulls crap like this all of the time. (See what I did back there? Kill me.)
Active shooter drills? pic.twitter.com/2B4uhCPlrh— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 19, 2019
However, with the topic continuing to splatter all over social media with no end in sight, Twitter sleuths trained their eyes on Poop Girl’s account and found what sadly looks like an explanation. Turns out there really was a rogue shitter at a Kent State party, but it was Kaitlin’s friend who she allegedly met after the now legendary fart that shouldn’t have been trusted. These tweets also predate Barstool’s reporting by a considerable margin, so surprisingly, they didn’t pull this story out of their ass.
Yeah it wasn't me. Ryan blocked me so I couldn't respond. The girl who did it is also not my friend. I worked with her and then disassociated myself with her in February.— Kaitlin Bennett (@KaitMarieox) July 3, 2018
Thank you. I didn't even know the girl when she shit herself lol met her after. You can say she's been a literal stain on my life— Kaitlin Bennett (@KaitMarieox) July 3, 2018
So here’s the good news and the bad news. The good news is that Kaitlin Bennett can’t do anything without being endlessly associated with shitting her pants. She’s practically synonymous with it. The bad news is the Poop Girl moniker is a double-edged turd because she has actually managed to leverage it into right-wing social media fame. Like pole-vaulting with a sturdy log into a toilet bowl of impressions.
My haters memed me into a lucrative career that lets me travel the country, do what I want, and have a platform to be heard. Thanks so much to everyone that gave me free advertising in 2019. Let's do it again this year. #GunGirl2020— Kaitlin Bennett (@KaitMarieox) January 2, 2020
The silver lining is that ShartPants PewPewHair is no longer tooting under the radar, so when she does something like post a series of transphobic interview questions that spectacularly backfire in her face, the internet is waiting to dunk on her.
The woman who raised money for Australia wildfire relief by selling nudes just dragged Gun Girl to hell and back and honestly she deserves the Pulitzer for this READ pic.twitter.com/1gXSQ0inGe— Sam Stryker (@sbstryker) January 19, 2020
I raised millions of dollars to help people and all you’ve done is shit your pants and bully people— THE NAKED PHILANTHROPIST (@lilearthangelk) January 19, 2020
don’t ever come for me again poo poo bitch— THE NAKED PHILANTHROPIST (@lilearthangelk) January 20, 2020
Unfortunately, if you’re wondering why that first tweet is just a screencap, Machine Gun Poopy is apparently very good at working the Twitter refs. Not only did she get The Naked Philanthropist’s tweet deleted, but if you happened to catch Kaitlin’s transphobic videos going viral on Twitter in early January 2020, the account posting them is completely gone. Just absolutely nuked. So that’s our world now.
Verdict: Social media is a sewer, and we’re all floating in it until we die.
Header Image Source: YouTube/Liberty Hangout