Just in case there are any doubts about my bonafides as a political commenter, we’re going to talk about the greatest social media mystery of the day if not our entire lives:
Did the Kent State Gun Girl really sh*t her pants at a party?
So right off the bat, I’ll say the evidence is not good. The primary source is Barstool Sports, so any sane and rational writer should’ve immediately deleted this post and never spoke of it again. Fortunately, I’m not that smart, which you can tell by the “smoking gun” video I embedded below because this train’s already left the station, and I have no idea how you drive one of these things. I’m honestly just jerking levers and pushing buttons at this point.
Did Gun Girl poop herself at a Kent State party? pic.twitter.com/RGVZpbFSeX— Barstool News Network (@BarstoolNewsN) February 11, 2019
Congratulations, you now have all of the available facts even though that’s not how that word works. So let’s weigh them out.
In the innocent column, you have a bro-douche website that either heard or deliberately started a rumor about a right-wing gun nut shitting her pants at a college party. Are the chances of Kaitlin Bennett actually being invited to a party slim? Probably. Inconceivable? Not entirely. Does she turn around and surprisingly own Barstool Sports for what’s obviously a stunt? … *squints*… Holy shit, yes. Yes, she does.
What is happening?
But you pooped your pants. https://t.co/awlWWgD2dw— KFC (@KFCBarstool) February 18, 2019
It's no wonder @KFCBarstool attacks me for defending the 2A by making up childish lies. He was too much of a pansy to defend the woman he was supposed to love the most, and went and cheated on her days before & after she gave birth to their son instead. What a fucking man— Kaitlin Bennett (@KaitMarieox) February 18, 2019
I’m sorry. I have no love for GunHair PoopPants and vehemently oppose everything she stands for, but I also have zero love for Barstool, so that was a solid burn. I’m counting it. I’m fair, but firm.
Anyway, in the guilty column, we have nothing but a paper-thin rumor with no discernible origin. Literally, the only argument is a strong, almost superhuman desire for Gun Girl to be the exact kind of chick who shits herself at parties because she pulls crap like this all of the time. (See what I did back there? Kill me.)
Active shooter drills? pic.twitter.com/2B4uhCPlrh— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 19, 2019
Verdict: Social media is a sewer, and we’re all floating in it until we die.
Header Image Source: YouTube/Liberty Hangout