So Really, Where Are All The Fake Dick Doctors?

By Emily Cutler | Videos | May 10, 2016 |

By Emily Cutler | Videos | May 10, 2016 |

I could have picked any random Full Frontal clip from this week, and it would have been a winner. Bee and Michelle Branch saying goodbye to Ted Cruz, the Fuckery of the 2010 Election - Part 2, the web exclusive about what a heinous jag Andrew Jackson was. But it was the segment featuring beloved Patton Oswalt on what a Republican-fueled, dystopian shitshow pregnancy crisis centers are that really made the show.

Most reasonable people would be able to understand why this kind of bullshit is completely unacceptable. Because we understand that we live in a sex-negative, Puritanical society that treats consensual sex as something vile that needs to be punished. But to really appreciate how fucked up this is, we need to take out that extra layer of sexism. Because living in a sex-negative, Puritanical, sexist society means we also all feel like we have an implicit level of control over women’s bodies.

Imagine you have a penis, or if you have a penis just think about that penis for a second. Let’s say your penis required medical attention. Now you can’t just go to the closest penis doctor or the one that accepts your insurance or the one that’s the cheapest. Because there are Fake Fucking Dick Doctors out there. People who have no medical training or knowledge who will straight up lie to you about your dick and what could happen to it if you decide to continue with the completely legal medical procedure you’ve opted for. And not only is this totally fucking legal, it’s actually endorsed by your state government because they feel that Fake Fucking Dick Doctors have the “First Amendment Right” to lie to you.

Or let’s move away from any sex organ to remove the icky sex factor. This would be like McDonald’s setting up a heart clinic next door to a real clinic where they advised patients with high cholesterol and blood pressure to stop in for their daily McDouble in order to stay healthy. It’s someone’s goddamn physical health, and the government is paying them to lie to people. What in the sweet fuck?

And even if you don’t live in one of the 34 goddamn states that fund these bullshit centers, the chance that your state has any substantive regulations of them is slim-to-fuck-me. Meaning if you’re a Bernie supporter who just busted or a Kasich supporter who remembers you had a favorite candidate, don’t sit this election out. Very Real Sex Organs need some very real protection from Fake Fucking Doctors of all kinds.