When I ask, “What the hell is going on?” I really mean, “What the hell is going on?” I don’t know anymore. I don’t watch this show closely enough, apparently, to keep up with all the twists and turns. I mean, personally, it feels like there are a few plotholes, but I trust that our readers will correct me where I’m wrong and fill me in on what I am missing, right?
Here’s what I think I know. Please chime in if I am mistaken:
— Chic is not Hal’s son, but he’s still Alice’s son, which makes him Betty’s half-brother, but he’s also not FP’s son, because almost-incest would be a bridge too far on this show? (Is it incest if you sleep with your half-brother’s half-brother?) Point being, Chic has no Blossom blood, therefore he is not eligible for any of the Blossom inheritance, so what the hell even is his point on the series other than to flash creepy smiles and drive Betty away? Also, who is his father if it’s not FP?
— The Black Hood resolution at the midseason finale was so anti-climactic that I suspected that they killed the right guy. But they haven’t returned to that storyline yet. Are they done with it? Or is Chic secretly the Black Hood killer? Or is it Chic’s father? Is Chic’s father Dave Franco?
— What’s up with that guy Chic killed last month? That he’s threatening to pin on Betty? Are we just not gonna go back to that? No one reported that guy missing? It’s just one of those things where the long-lost bastard son kills a guy and his mom and half-sister help dispose of the body and that’s it?
— Barb milk-shaked Veronica. That I understand. Also, Josie sold out Veronica, who is now running for student council President but has zero friends or supporters except for maybe … Andy Cohen?
— Riverdale, ostensibly, is about the friendship between Veronica, Betty, Archie and Jughead. Right now, Jughead and Archie hate each other, and Betty and Veronica hate each other. Jughead and Betty are running as co-presidents of student council against Veronica.
— Hiram Lodge bought up all that real estate so that he could build a for-profit prison, which he apparently believes is a popular enough idea that Hermione Lodge can run for mayor on the “Let’s move a thousand felons into town” ticket, and Andy Cohen supports that?
— Fred is running against Hermione Lodge for mayor, even though Hermione was the one who initially talked him into running for mayor and the Lodges did release him from their contract, and this is how he repays them? (It was good to see Molly Ringwald again, though).
— The Lodges released Fred from his contract in exchange for Archie being their perpetual errand body. Archie is in a blood pact to do the Lodges’ bidding, which is bound to create a conflict for Archie between his loyalty to his father and his loyalty to Hiram. How did a high school ginger kid end up in the mafia, anyway?
— What is Kevin’s role in this show? To sell out his best friend Betty and moon at Andy Cohen?
— Cheryl? What the fuck? So, Clifford Blossom’s identical twin brother returns to Riverdale to collect on the Blossom inheritance, but he and Penelope first have to kill Nana Rose (unsuccessfully) and remove Cheryl from the picture by sending her to a mental asylum for gay conversion therapy because she almost kissed Toni? I thought they did gay conversions in Baptist McChurches now and not ’50s-style asylums run by nuns with very large needles.
— What is the role of the Blossom family on this show? Why don’t Josie and the Pussycats get their own storylines instead of being used as plot devices to effect change against the main Riverdale cast? How did Barb from Stranger Things land a role in both Riverdale and Rise?
— Why did Polly leave the farm cult, show up for an episode, and then move to the West Coast? Shouldn’t she at least stick around and collect her Blossom inheritance?
— Do FP and Jughead have the healthiest parent-child relationship on this show now?
— Is Andy Cohen the real Black Hood killer?