Vanderpump Rules is back on our screens once more. F*cking finally. I have missed these people with every fiber of my being, and a dumb, mindless show where Scheana cries and calls a dude who is clearly not her best friend, her best friend, is the balm my soul needs right now. Let’s get to the mindless junk food for our brains, shall we?
There are three new cast members, Max (anyone else think he looks like a skinnier version of Gavin Rossdale?) Brett (who full disclosure, was my SURver when I was at SUR in December and he was very pleasant, so I am inclined to like him) and Dayna (who definitely made out with Peter last year in that bathroom and is lying about it now, because girl, I’d do the same.) We had to spend some time getting to know our new cast, who have been shoe-horned in because I truly believe that the amount of alcohol the OG cast has consumed for the sake of our entertainment has gotten too much for them to continue on with, except for maybe Schwartz.
So what happened this ep? Raquel, she of puppy-party fame, is now a SURver. DJ James Kennedy was nowhere to be found. Stassi’s grandmother passed away unexpectedly, which means she was sidelined for the majority of the ep. Jax & Brittany, Tom & Ariana, and Tom & Katie have all moved to the land of plentiful parking and chain restaurants, aka The Valley, and my beloved Doute is soon to follow suit. As Stassi pointed out, all three couples bought houses that basically look identical to each other, in the same neighborhood. Sure, it’s kind of Stepford-y, but with LA real estate, you get what you get, and honestly, it was always going to happen that way, so why act surprised?
I predict the big drama for the season will be Max and the amount of women he works with that he also sleeps with, Jax being a groomzilla (cannot wait for that), and obviously the drama between Doute and Kassi (the two headed, groupthink monster that is Stassi and Katie.)
All three of which were set up in this episode, with the most amount of time being devoted to newbie Max, and my beloved agent of chaos, Doute, with the majority of this going down at Tom & Katie’s “house chilling” party.
To be honest, I don’t really care about Max and his sex life. The highlight of this storyline in this ep was Scheana being told that Max was calling her crazy, and Scheana immediately acting crazy by drunkenly crying to Max about how she doesn’t like to be called crazy. Classic Scheana. I’ve seen the light on her, and think she is bananas and amazing, and basically, it’s Scheana’s world we’re just living in it. Case in point, did you see this?!!?
Then there’s Jax, who said that he had to uninvite Tom Sandovol to be his best man (only to re-invite him again, on camera) but other than that, didn’t kick up a lot of drama in the first ep, but just give him time. He’s the number one guy in this group, and I know he will deliver.
Finally, there’s the Doute pile-on, which honestly? I’m sure her on-again, off-again relationship with Carter is absolutely exhausting to witness as her friend, but it’s not really any of their business. She came across to me as emotionally exhausted by the entire situation, and probably did lie to her friends about the real situation because she felt that if she were honest about what was going on, she’d get her head bitten off by them, as she always gets her head bitten off by them. She is being a dummy, but you can’t make people learn lessons they don’t want to, and they don’t need to constantly drag Carter in order for her to see the light, either. You can tell her self-esteem is hanging on by a thread as it stands. She needs support and love, people! Not to have her life choices scrutinized like this. Lala certainly didn’t need to go confront Carter about being a dead beat at the house chilling party, while Kristen nervously looked on in the background. That was excruciating.
Leave my beloved Doute, alone! Let her live her damn life, people!
Unfortunately, I don’t think harmony is the name of the game, here—and it’s clear that Doute is headed into a fallout with at least some of the cast. When I was at the Straight Up With Stassi Live event in December in LA (shut up, it was fun!) she was noticeably missing from the cast that showed up to support Stassi and Beau, so clearly shit is real, here.
All in all it was a solid start to the season, setting the groundwork for the obvious drama to come. Although I didn’t like Brett saying on camera that Scheana was a bad kisser. That seemed unnecessarily mean, and I’m hoping that was a rookie error rather than a glimpse of what we can expect from him going forward. However, we did get to see Schwartz hanging out in a muumuu once more, so that was fun.
Until next week friends, raise your glasses high, because VPR is back, baby!!
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