Well, that’s a wrap on season 7 of Vanderpump Rules. Now, if you only read these recaps and don’t actually watch the show, you may think that means it’s all over, but friends—it’s only just begun. See, we get three glorious reunion episodes in the coming weeks, which means we get about three hours of non-stop fighting, confrontation and general shenanigans.
Everyone is going to come for DJ James Kennedy and I could not be happier about that. However, before we can get to the magic, we must wade through the last episode of the season, which wasn’t half bad, but its brilliance was in the editing and not the drama, this time.
So let’s focus on the worst, first—DJ James Kennedy took his girlfriend Raquel (who has been described as “a Hello Kitty backpack with nothing inside”) to SUR while everyone who mattered was invited to Jax and Brittany’s engagement party. Normally I hate DJJK scenes, but this was perfection. First off, the hostesses at SUR clearly loathe him because they were visibly disgusted when his name popped up on the reservation screen. They carried that disdain all through the meal, culminating by simultaneously dropping the check on the table and snottily informing DJJK that he’s not eligible for the employee discount because he no longer works there. God bless that hostess because we are all that hostess in that scene.
Other highlights of the dinner between DJJK and Raquel are as follows:
Raquel telling James that there better not be any more cheating allegations about him. James, who clearly cheats repeatedly, giving her a vague response because he knows he can’t keep it in his pants.
Raquel and James scheming on how to get an invitation to Jax and Brittany’s wedding because nothing is better than to watch than two deeply stupid people trying to concoct a scheme that won’t work. They don’t give a s*it about Jax and Brittany. They only want an invite for the social cache that it will give them in the extremely limited circle they are so clumsily attempting to be a part of.
Raquel telling James that she wants to work when they’re married, and then James trying to get Raquel to take the check for dinner because we all know he’s broke. (Also, eating at SUR is an expensive yet mediocre experience. If you ever go, focus on booze, the food is akin to an expensive Applebees.)
Next, on to Scheana, who is usually really boring, but brought the manufactured drama for this last episode. This is why she’s still a full-time cast member, friends.
I have no proof, but I’m fairly certain Scheana and Adam were in a fake relationship because Scheana saw that the only screen time she got last season was because of how pathetic her relationship with Rob Valetta was. So, I think she and Adam concocted a low-level-friends-with-benefits-but-oh-no-there’s-feelings-too(!) type of thing, basically because Scheana’s whole life is this show and she needs to stay on it forever to give her life any meaning. Honestly, I’m fine with that because the entertainment factor was there in this ep. Anyway, Scheana and Adam finally came to blows at the engagement party, because nothing says “I’m a good bridesmaid!” like throwing a hissy fit at the bride’s party where she clearly forked about 20k to have it.
After having an awkward vibe on the party bus (because of course there was a party bus) that was taking the people who mattered to the engagement party (notice how Peter had to drive himself? Looks like you’ve been downgraded, bud) Scheana and Adam finally have it out once at the engagement party. The highlights include Scheana demanding to know if Adam loves her and being shocked when he tells her no (I think we all could have told her that); Scheana crying because she had sponsored a penguin for Adam, because they’re his favorite animal; and finally, beautifully, Scheana crying on Meemaw’s shoulder. (For those of you who don’t know who Meemaw is, that’s Britany’s Kentucky grandma. Obviously.)
Let’s give it up for Scheana, everyone. That little performance is why we keep her around. She started out doing nothing this season, but she’s ending it on a high note.
So, not a lot of “plot” happened for the other cast members, but friends, that doesn’t mean nothing happened.
Ariana confronted Lisa about disrespecting the Toms, and as suspected, it was a nothingburger. Ariana is not on the show to cause drama. Ariana is there because not everyone can be a hot, narcissistic mess at all times. Also, one of her primary purposes is to roll her eyes at Sandoval and his insistence on being extra at all times. (We all know the struggle he faced in trying not to upstage Jax at his own engagement party. So he didn’t steal the spotlight with his fashion, just in the innumerable amount of bedazzled, be-spoke beer funnels he kept pulling out of thin air, for everyone. Event Vanderpump got her own!)
The true beauty of the night was the obvious fact that Schwartz and Katie f*cking hate each other a lot of the time, and the editors wanted to make it very clear to us that the “bubba” schtick they put on for the cameras is an act. The real nature of their relationship is what we saw in Mexico.
They must be insufferable to film around if the editors did them dirty like that, and I love them for it.
So—how to describe what happened? Basically, Schwartz took it upon himself to counsel Adam about the awkwardness with Scheana, and in doing so demonstrated to everyone but himself how defeated and miserable he is. The camera would stay on him after he tried to smile about his relationship and then you’d see that smile melt into nothingness when he thought they were done filming the segment. They did him doubly dirty by coupling that with his pulling out a TomTom onesie to Katie to ask her have a kid. What I love about Tom and Katie is that they’re clearly trying to pass themselves off as an I Love Lucy, Lucy and Desi type of relationship, but they’re coming off as a real-life Lucy and Desi (who got divorced, people!) and I don’t think that’s intentional.
Anyway, his advice to Adam is basically to give in and embrace the futility of life, which surprisingly Adam didn’t connect with. Oh well, give him time.
Jax and Brittany were doing wedding things, which was fine. Jax was on good behavior, which was not great but it looks like he’s going to try to deck DJJK on the reunion, so I’ll give him a pass.
Really looking forward to next week!
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
The only thing of note that happened here was that PK made a snotty comment to Kyle and Teddi made it all about her. This all occurred backstage at a Culture Club concert. Naturally.
I have never in my life said this, but…I’m with PK on this one.
PK is gross and the worst (never forget what he did to Erica and her lack of panties) but Kyle sucks this season and she lives in a bubble where no one calls her out so I guess I’m with PK on this one.
Also, Teddi, girl. Just stop. You’re boring. Accept that. You cannot bring the drama. (I hope this is her last season.)
Real Housewives of New York
Tinsley broke up with her s*itty boyfriend, although I think part of the reason Bethenny wanted them to break up is because Carol introduced them. B is petty like that.
Luann continues to be clueless, and I’m coming around on her specific brand of narcissism.
Ramona and her ex, Mario, ran into each other, and they clearly hooked up afterward. Mario, who we haven’t seen in a while was already kind of creepy but he looks damn good for his age, so whatever. Ramona is a terrible person so I approve of this re-pairing. They deserve each other.
That’s all I watched this past week, although I have every intention of watching the newest season of Summer House because it was recommended here.
This week was the calm before the storm because next week the drama will be at 11. VPR reunions are always a thing of beauty.
Until then, friends.