Spread the wealth, “True Blood,” spread the wealth. Why you gotta do us like that? I sat most of the episode bored out of my gourd, wondering why we have to linger over dumbass Jason and Sam’s dumbass family and dumbass Sookie crying and whining - Tara too. Can’t we have a little (real) Franklin? Where the hell is Pam? How am I going to make any of this recap interesting? And then all of a sudden, at the very end of the episode, so much shit went down that it almost made the previous forty minutes worth it.
In her hospital room, Sookie wakes and sees Bill; she screams and screams. Alcide, Tara and Jason fight over whether Bill should be in the room but over all the protests, Sookie asks to speak to Bill alone. They have a couple of Harlequin moments with Sookie crying over her not-future and Bill crying because he can’t give Sookie what she wants even though he’ll always love her. Boo fucking hoo.
Back at the funhouse, Russell moves in Sophie-Ann and expects Talbot to be excited that they’ve just acquired Louisiana. Talbot informs his husband that Franklin’s brains won’t wash off the guest linens (Crap! Is he really dead?), he’s buried werewolves under the gazebo and Sookie staked Lorena — so Talbot’s had enough excitement (Oh, just you wait). Russell tries to smooth-talk Talbot as Eric slyly observes Russell’s affection. Russell admits to Talbot the Magister murder, asserting that no one will be able to prove he did it. They continue bickering until Eric interrupts to advise Russell there’s a “were-bitch” in the study. Debbie cries to Russell that Cooter was killed and she wants permission to go after the perpetrators and rip off their heads. When Russell asks Eric’s opinion, he tries to deter Russell from going after Sookie’s valuable head. Debbie protests that Sookie is a cunt and Russell sets Debbie straight: Sookie’s a special cunt. Russell sends off Debbie promising her she’ll get to play with Sookie first. Eric continues trying to dissuade Russell from bringing Sookie into the mix, questioning her trustworthiness. Russell gets in Eric’s face, suspicious and wondering whether he can trust Eric. Eric falls to his knees and pretends to be in awe of Russell’s leadership, double-talking around his true motives.
Terry sings to Arlene’s belly and Arlene dreams Terry changes into Rene. Rene tells Arlene he won’t be kept from his child. Who gives a shit?
Jessica happily hugs Bill when he returns home. Bill tells Jessica to pack her bags, that he is releasing her so she can be on her own. Jessica doesn’t want to leave or to be alone. She sobs and Bill can’t help consoling her as a father would.
Alcide babysits Sookie. Lafayette babysits Tara.
Jason and Andy barge into Sookie’s place wanting her to press charges against Bill, but she refuses. Jason threatens to kill Bill if he bothers Sookie again. Sookie listens to Andy and Jason and almost catches wind of their secret, but interrupts their thoughts with her own questions. Sookie reasons with Jason, reminding him he wasn’t raised to be a bigot or a murderer, but Jason storms out. You don’t care about this either.
Sam smells Mama Melinda-dog sitting outside his front door. She shifts to her naked human form and Sam ushers her inside where Mama collects her things and defends her love of saggy, dirty underpantsman. She makes sure to leave Tommy with a good dose of guilt. As Sam offers to help her out with her bag, Mama says she’d rather have money and Sam obliges. She complains it’s not enough but a fed up Sam closes the door and comforts crying Tommy.
Tara showers and masturbates and I wait for Franklin to show up. My thoughts are magic — suddenly there he is all naked, fangs unsheathed. Tara hungrily kisses Franklin and then wakes up, frightened and disturbed by her dream behavior.
After spending the night at Tara’s, Lafayette is about to open his front door when his mother, Ruby Jean, shows up ranting about how someone is coming for him.
Sookie lies out in the bright sun and Tara shows up to keep her company. Sookie whines over her broken heart. Tara tells Sookie she sounds like a dumb bitch in a country song and how the dumb bitches always end up dead. (From your lips to whomever, Tara.) Sookie tries to turn things around and talk to Tara about Franklin, but Tara gets angry and leaves, bumping into Alcide as she goes.
Jason drags out his old Fellowship of the Sun kit, removes the shotgun and shells and jumps up to answer his door. It’s Crystal, wet and beaten, wanting to use Jason’s truck. Jason demands her story first. Crystal tells Jason she got the messed up face because she told Felton she wasn’t going to marry him. She wants to leave but Jason says he won’t let her go alone. More boring shit.
At work Tara has another vision of Franklin, this time while she’s awake. Sam startles and then consoles Tara. Arlene interviews a new waitress named Holly and tells Sam not to sleep with her.
Lafayette’s mother barricades the door against pretty Jesus. Jesus lets Lafayette know one of the nurses left Ruby alone in the garden and it won’t happen again. Ruby comes back in the room with a knife and tells Lafayette he has power and needs to be protected. She informs the boys she won’t go back; she’s not crazy, just overly drugged. Jesus promises Ruby he won’t let anything happen to Lafayette and talks her down; she hands over the knife to him. (I found it interesting that Lafayette very specifically invited Jesus in, and then Jesus made a point of reassuring Ruby and Lafayette about Lafayette’s “power” — this felt like foreshadowing.)
Lucky Hadley is caught in the hall by Eric. He gives her a message to deliver to Sookie.
Alcide informs Sookie that Debbie burned down his sister’s salon and he has to go. Sookie convinces Alcide she’ll be fine alone and that if she’s in danger, Bill will still come. Sookie and Alcide lament they’re both so stupid and hug goodbye. Sookie flaps her eyelashes and I guess she and Alcide are supposed to be flirting, but Sookie looks more cross-eyed and drunk than seductive.
Sam asks Tommy to keep an eye on Tara. When Hoyt asks after Jessica, Tommy practically starts a fight. Sam tries to talk some sense into Tommy but the boy doesn’t want any. You are feeling sleepy.
Convinced Russell is coming for them and/or Sookie, Bill teaches Jessica how to work her speedy-sense and defend herself. Jessica doesn’t want Bill and Sookie to be over but Bill is adamant he has to let Sookie go. Jessica confesses her love for Hoyt and she and Bill share sad glances.
Sookie looks through a mostly empty photo book, hears a noise and pulls a gun on her cousin. Hadley tells Sookie she has a message from Eric that Russell is coming for her and that Sookie shouldn’t trust Bill. Sookie hears Hadley’s guilt at having told Sookie’s secret.
Talbot and Russell squabble over Russell leaving again. Talbot begins angrily throwing objects from a showcase and just as he’s about to pitch Eric’s family crown, Eric stops Talbot. He offers to keep Talbot company while Russell is gone and carefully places the heirloom back on the shelf.
Jason and Crystal lie together and talk. Crystal is worried her family will find and kill Jason but he assures her no one will come between them. Jason tells Crystal to take a shower while he goes out for food, he takes a gun when he leaves. At Merlotte’s, Sam’s nose works overtime as he smells trouble. It’s Crystal’s father Calvin and fiance Felton. When Sam says he hasn’t seen her, the two threaten Sam and he has to hold back Tommy. Bathroom break.
Jesus and Lafayette can’t help but flirt. They discuss Ruby’s ramblings and her references to Lafayette’s power. Jesus tries to talk Lafayette out of dealing drugs lest it turn his energy bad. Lafayette begins explaining why he has to keep dealing and Jesus stops him with a kiss.
Eric and Talbot play chess but Talbot gets pissy and bored when he loses. Talbot commands Eric to take off his clothes and Eric seductively begins disrobing and tells Talbot he hasn’t been with another vampire in a long time. It seems in his quest for vengeance, Eric is willing to take things all the way.
Jason goes looking for trouble at the crystal compound and he finds it right quick. He follows a trail of blood and sees a naked someone eating a freshly killed deer. In an uncharacteristically smart move, Jason quickly turns tail. On his way out, Jason encounters Calvin returning home and Jason pulls the fake cop card to threaten Calvin but I don’t think Daddy is scared. Zzz…
Sookie hears wolves howling outside the house and readies her weapon. Debbie saunters up to and kicks down Sookie’s front door; two wolves enter. But Bill and Jessica are waiting inside and they each go after a were. Upstairs, Debbie breaks down Sookie’s bedroom door and Sookie warns Debbie to stay back or be shot. As the gals discuss life and love, Debbie manages to wrestle away the gun and she and Sookie begin a rousing round of hand to hand combat. Jessica follows a were outside even as Bill tries to warn her. Forced to choose between running upstairs or going after Jessica, Bill looks out the front door to see Russell standing with his arm tightly around Jessica’s neck. Russell offers to trade Jessica for Sookie. Bill attempts to negotiate and then baits Russell’s ego - he falls for it and lets Jessica free to see if she can outrun his were. Sookie finally manages to grab a pair of scissors and she slices Debbie’s face, leaving her with half a jokery grin. Debbie screams and falls back, which allows Sookie to grab the gun.
Back in Mississippi, Eric readies to exact his revenge. On the floor, the two naked vampires make out and Eric tells Talbot to turn around. As Talbot gets on all fours with Eric behind him, Talbot waits for Eric’s hard wood but instead he gets…hard wood (staked, that is). As he stabs Talbot, Eric says, “Russell took my family, now I take his” and we see Talbot’s panicked expression as he cries out, “No!” Russell feels Talbot’s death and immediately forgets Bill and flies away. Sookie takes aim and tells Debbie to get out of her house — the were bitch flees out the window and changes to wolf form as she hits the ground, running away. Bill runs into Sookie’s room, Sookie drops the gun and tells Bill she loves him. The two lovebirds kiss over and over as Bill repeats how sorry he is. Jessica feeds on the were who chased her even as he begs for his life. Back in Sookie’s bedroom, she and Bill frak like animals.
Frankliny, I resent being forced to watch so much crap to get to the good stuff, but I have to admit I enjoyed the ending. The stage has been set, it’s Russell and Eric showdown time. Regardless of Russell’s age and strength, I’m putting my money on Eric. Speaking of Franklin, I’m quite upset over Talbot’s “brains won’t come out of the sheets” comment - but I’m going to stay optimistic. I’m going to keep envisioning a scene where our favorite psycho really does startle the shit out of Tara and then makes good on his proposal. Sookie and Bill? Eh, who gives a shit?
Closing credits: Otep, “Head”
If you didn’t get a chance to catch this week’s Postmortem, it’s kinda kitschy cute.
Cindy is no vampire (not that there’s anything wrong with them). You can reach Cindy here