Michael Rapaport Is a Not a Good Human Being

Traitors season four premiered last week with a three-episode drop. Here are my initial thoughts (with spoilers):

— These episodes are nearly an hour and a half. Three-episode drops are too many, especially on the same weekend that The Pitt and Industry return, the NFL’s Wild Card weekend kicks off, and the Golden Globes air. Ease up, Peacock! We love watching Traitors, but we don’t want to spend the entire weekend on it.

— After watching the celebrity edition of the UK Traitors, I don’t think the U.S. version will ever quite live up to it. Our Traitors celebs just aren’t as good as the UK’s. The UK players seem to enjoy the game for the game itself — and the camaraderie — while the U.S. players are all out to destroy one another. It’s a different vibe. It’s still good, but it pales in comparison.

— Good job, Peacock, for casting the most obnoxious, annoying Traitors player of all time in Michael Rappaport. He is the worst. I promised my kids they would loathe him before the first episode was over, and I was right. Every cast member who thinks Rappaport is just playing a character apparently has no idea who Michael Rappaport actually is. He is that person. He’s horrible, and the way he refers to traitors as filthy, lying, deceitful vermin makes me uncomfortable, especially since the traitors are just people playing a game and were chosen by producers to be traitors. Reality television is supposed to be an escape from reality! Michael Rappaport, meanwhile, is basically an ALL CAPS Twitter feed made flesh and never turned off. He’s the worst. And, sadly, probably the best villain this game has ever produced.

— I didn’t have a problem with the “Secret Traitor” twist, in part because I expected it after Dan mentioned they’d incorporated it into the new season of the UK Traitors. It’s a fun idea to let viewers at home try to figure out who the traitor is, too. But there was clearly something viewers weren’t privy to that the rest of the cast was, because they identified Donna Kelce almost immediately as a traitor and banished her nearly unanimously at the second banishment. The only reason they didn’t do it at the first banishment is that Ron Funches caught Porsha Williams making some weird mistakes. Whatever the rest of the cast knew about Donna Kelce was completely lost on me, because I was genuinely surprised to learn she was the Secret Traitor.

In fact, the only indication we had that she was the Secret Traitor wasn’t in how she acted, but in how perfectly she was cast: Who is going to vote out that sweet 80-year-old woman? That was essentially Candiace’s argument, but it felt flimsy based on the edit we were given. I strongly suspect some things were kept from the viewing audience to make that reveal more interesting.

— The guy I feel the worst for is Ron Funches. That poor, sweet man. He is not cut out for the U.S. Traitors, although he would be a terrific addition to the UK cast. It felt like he had Porsha dead to rights on her misstatements — she literally said, “We killed Ian,” and talked about going after the Faithfuls. He was convincing, too. And yet everyone wrongly voted out Porsha, they blamed Ron for it, and made it feel weirdly personal. U.S. Traitors is not the place for the Ron Funcheses of the world. He cannot compete with Real Housewives on a show like this.

— There are two Housewives who are traitors (Candiace and Lisa Rinna), and they’re going after the gamers. The first two murders were Ian from Big Brother and Rob C. from Survivor. It’s a smart play because both clearly understood the game very well. Rob C. even knew there was going to be a murder in plain sight and correctly guessed that Candiace’s weird conga line might have been related.

— Michael Rappaport is the worst, but I am absolutely living for the Rappaport/Jam Jam feud. They genuinely loathe each other.

— I’m doubly worried for Ron Funches because the Faithfuls don’t know that Donna Kelce was the “Secret Traitor,” only that she was a Traitor. She was working with Michael and Ron during the Porsha banishment, which could suggest to the Faithfuls that all three were working together as traitors. I fully expect Candiace and Lisa to lean into that.

— I kind of like the Love Island dude, Rob. He has some real Matt Saracen energy.

— My two favorites on the cast, besides Funches, are Kristen Kish (the Top Chef host) and Mark Ballas (Dancing with the Stars) because they’re the normies. They’re probably not cut out for Traitors, either, but that worked out for Dylan Efron. I’m hoping it can work for them, too, if they stay under the radar as long as possible. I don’t know Eric Nam well enough, but he may fit into that category as well.

— The rest — save for maybe Natalie Anderson from Survivor — I’m firmly rooting against. Most of them feel toxic to varying degrees, especially the Housewives, Jam Jam, and Rappaport. Jam Jam was so sweet on Survivor. Money really changes people. Tsk tsk.