It took seven episodes for season six of American Horror Story to fly spinning off the rails in a bad way. That’s a record for this show. Severed hand golf claps all around!
You know, you’d think this would go without saying, but for most television programs, you need to decide if you’re going with ghosts, disgruntled mentally ill actresses, inbred redneck cannibals or jilted ex-wives. But not American Horror Story. Never American Horror Story. And they’re going to give it all to you in one episode. And it. Had. Everything.
But, like, in a bad, dumb way—not a fun, jumpy clap way. It’s a very fine line with this show. A sinewy, tender fine line, like Lee’s leg meat.
There’s no way to narratively explain last night’s episode, so I’m just going to do it like I assume the scripts do and bullet point some goddamn mess nonsense. Also, I can’t be bothered with character names this season because we spent half the season thinking half the cast had different names and they haven’t bothered much rectifying this.
- Bad reality producer man Cheyenne Jackson, his camera operator and a woman who picked up sandwiches are all murdered by Kathy Bates, who has schizoaffective disorder but who I thought was maybe possessed by evil spirits, but no, she’s just mentally ill, so that’s neat. She gets very sad because sandwich woman had a baby. Her accent work is somewhere between Scrooge McDuck and Cary Elwes in any movie where he has to be American. Kathy Bates might have the most problematic character, but goddamn she is giving it EVERYTHING.
- Kathy Bates hits Lily Rabe with a hatchet, slicing her from shoulder to chest. Lily Rabe is totes fine.
- Sarah Paulson, Angela Bassett and Adina Porter go searching for help for Lily Rabe’s totally fine shoulder. They are attacked by inbred weed farming cannibal boys and their mommy. Cannibal weed mom salts and cures Adina Porter’s leg and makes Angela Bassett and Sarah Paulson eat it.
- Andre Holland runs into the Lady Gaga demon in the basement, tells Lily Rabe that he’s in love with her and Lily Rabe murders him in the head with a crowbar, like super smash smash face bash.
- Kathy Bates is killed by ghosts with torches and hatchets.
- Presumably other stuff happens too but fuck if I know; this was a lot to process.
There’s still three episodes left. I don’t care who survives.
This episode gets 4/5 Franken-Peters on the bad mess scale.