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'Homeland' for Dummies

By Lord Castleton | TV | December 3, 2015 |

By Lord Castleton | TV | December 3, 2015 |

Once upon a time there was a girl named Carrie who loved America.

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And her job used to be to work for America as a secret agent and be surrounded by baddies all the time.

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But she had to take a break from that because it made her feel sad and crazy. Everybody feels sad sometimes.

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This is Saul. He is Carrie’s best friend. He still works for America.

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When Carrie stopped working for America, Saul was angry.

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Carrie got a job working for a rich man from the country of Germany named Otto During. Her new job is to make sure that no meanies hurt this man.

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But one day when Otto During was on vacation, some meanies tried to get him! Then Carrie found out the baddies were really trying to get her! Oh no! So Carrie put on a wig and started to do secret agent stuff again. Go Carrie! Yeah!

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Meanwhile, Saul was working for America with another secret agent named Allison.

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When they weren’t saving America from baddies, Saul would play “hide the pickle” with Allison.

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Saul and Allison have a boss at America. His name is Dar Adal. He’s the devil.

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Dar Adal has a special mailbox. It’s a goodbye mailbox. He tells Saul what names to put in the mailbox and then a man named Peter Quinn takes the names out of the mailbox. This is Peter Quinn. He kinda works for America.

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Peter Quinn has a special way of saying goodbye to people. His way is that he puts them down for nighty-nite but they don’t wake up again. Saul puts names in the mailbox and Peter Quinn takes the names out and finds the people and says goodbye. Yay Peter Quinn!

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But that’s not all Dar Adal does! He also tells Saul and Allison that the king of Syria is a jerk and to replace him with a new king. This is the new king.

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He kinda has the same hair and mustache as Gordon from Sesame Street!

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Except he’s mean. We’ll call him Mean Gordon. Saul and Allison convince Mean Gordon to be the new king of Syria and they take him to an airport and put him back on a plane to Syria.

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Here’s your ticket, Mean Gordon! Have a good flight!

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The plane takes off! Another job well done for America, thanks to Saul and Allison.

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BOOM goes the plane! Buh bye, Mean Gordon. Saul is surprised.

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Dar Adal is definitely gonna spank me thinks Saul. Meanwhile, Carrie is searching for the baddies who tried to get her. This time she has a wig and a cool mask.

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While Carrie is searching, Peter Quinn gets the next name out of the goodbye mailbox. The name is Carrie. Uh oh! Carrie has a feeling she’s being hunted, so she hides in the woods.

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But Peter Quinn finds her anyway, sneaks up on her, knocks her out and injects her with something. Sneaky Peter Quinn! He’s like a ninja but with guns and anger instead of karate stuff. Peter Quinn always looks like someone just burned his dinner. Peter Quinn hasn’t smiled since 1983.

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But he doesn’t make her go goodbye because guess what? Carrie and Peter Quinn are actually friends! Whew, that was a close one!

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And Carrie says There’s no way Saul put my name in the goodbye mailbox!” Let’s go to the goodbye mailbox and check it out! So Peter Quinn goes back to the goodbye mailbox, but this time someone is watching him.

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And when he goes outside a baddie puts a bullet into him and Peter Quinn falls down!

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But Carrie thinks fast and she backs her BMW into the baddie’s BMW! In Germany, everyone gets a BMW.

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And that helps Peter Quinn put his bullets into the baddie!

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And carrie quickly takes a photo of the baddie with the baddie’s phone and drives away fast with Peter Quinn.

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Who is this baddie they think? Peter Quinn is in real trouble. He’s got a huge boo boo and he needs a doctor but the can’t go to a real doctor because they’re secret agents. Sometimes it’s tough to work for America!

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Peter Quinn stumbles away so Carrie doesn’t have to worry about his boo boo and he tries to tie himself to a cinder block and go for a really deep swim in a river. Like a scuba diver but without the scuba. But he falls asleep because his boo boo is leaking too much ketchup.

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Luckily he’s found by a nice man who happens to be a doctor. Hooray!

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The good news is that that doctor fixes his boo boo! Yay! The bad news is that the doctor works for the baddies and the baddies decide to make Peter Quinn breathe yucky air. Boo!

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Now when Peter Quinn breathes it looks like dog vomit is coming out. Poor Peter Quinn! No fun! Meanwhile Carrie thinks where is Peter Quinn? Oh well, I’m sure he’s fine! And she decides to use the baddie’s cell phone to make a call.

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“Hello?” says Allison. Holy Camole! Allison is a Russian spy but now only Carrie knows! Carrie tells Saul about Allison and Saul is like That’s hard to believe since I’m playing hide the pickle with her. Also he’s like I’m mad at you because you left America and Carrie is like yeah but remember how I’m right all the time? and Saul is like Oh yeah.

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So Saul says okay and goes to visit Allison to play hide the pickle one more time. It takes a real patriot to play hide the pickle for America. So after they play he bugs her phone and purse.

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Not real bugs like cockroaches. These are electronic bugs that use satellites to tell America where the person is going.

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Saul still isn’t sure about this, but he goes along with it. They hint to Allison about a secret Russian bad guy who wants to be friends with America. Allison has no idea that anyone is watching her but lots of people are. As the team watches, Allison texts some random dude. He walks into her apartment and in like three seconds they’re playing hide the pickle together as everyone watches, including Saul, who thought he was the only one with a pickle! Oh Saul!

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Yep, that’s Allison alright. Somebody sure likes pickles!

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Carrie goes into the hallway and finds Saul mumbling something about pickles. He seems kind of shocked about Allison.

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But she still hasn’t shown them that she’s a spy, so they talk to their other friend, a German secret agent. Oooooooh cool! Seventy five years ago a German secret agent would have been someone Peter Quinn would say goodbye to on sight. Now a German secret agent is one of America’s favorite pals. The world is funny sometimes! This German secret agent happens to also be Peter Quinn’s girlfriend, and she never smiles either. Maybe that’s how they met. Maybe they went somewhere where people never smile together.

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The German secret agent makes a secret meeting with Allison and tells her that they know there’s a spy in her department and that they’re bringing in another big shot Russian spy right now. Allison sits there for a minute and thinks.

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Then everyone watches as Allison ditches the satellite-talking part of her phone…

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… and flees to a Russian safe house! She is a spy! OH MY GOSH!

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Inside the safe house, she tells Ivan, her Russian spy boss, that someone is leaving Russia to be new friends with America! and he’s like no that’s not true! Then the German police run in and arrest them both, but not before Allison comes up with a plan. They sit her in front of Dar Adal, who is like: why are you the biggest bad guy spy in America’s whole history?

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And she’s like Thanks for messing up my secret agent job! She says that her Russian spy boss Ivan is actually an American spy and she was just going to pick him up before the Russians got him. Dar Adal listens. Even though he’s usually smart, he forgets to be smart sometimes. It’s okay. We all forget to be smart sometimes. Dar Adal seems to believe Allison’s story. Maybe he is playing hide the pickle with her, too.

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And now you’re fully caught up with Homeland Season Five! If you made it this far you get a cookie! Yay!

There are only three episodes left. Will the America good guys believe Allison? How much dog puke will Peter Quinn cough up before he decides to start saying goodbye to bad guys again? Is Otto During a goodie or a baddie? How many pickles will Allison hide in the next three episodes?

Tune in Sundays at 9 on Showtime to find out!

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Lord Castleton is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.