Another season of American Horror Story is behind us, and, as a viewer of all seasons, one who has celebrated its delightful badness, I feel I must say this about American Horror Story: Freak Show: it was a fucking mess. Jesus. It was all over the place in terms of plot, narrative, character development and even more so than in previous seasons, including last season, which was nonsense. But at least American Horror Story: Coven was delightful, fun nonsense. This was the Ryan Murphyest season of them all and by that I mean, it was terrible. And, yet, *throws hands in the air in confusion and frustration* I watched ever week and enjoyed much of it. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW.
The show is like a bad relationship. Like, this is not a healthy partnership. You are mostly unhappy, generally loathing what your significant other is and stands for as a person. But, then, that person is fun and OK to be around and you’re like “whatever I guess.”
There was a lot of WTF moments that made no sense (like remember how we were told that Ma Petite was basically Pepper’s baby child even though we never saw them together and that was NEVER established at any point?) but the biggest trend this season was an influx of pointless stuff that had no point and was pointless. Let’s look back.
1. What the hell was the point of killing Twisty four episodes in?
The show was so built up as Scary Clown Fun Hour and Twisty was definitely the best part. Then they make him sad and special needs and suicidal (thereby ruining all the fun and shock of the character and his grody tongueface) and kill him so early.
2. What the hell was the point of Two-Headed Wes Bentley?
I know the point of Two-Headed Wes Bentley was to kill Twisty, but what was the point of bringing him back for the finale? That’s the most elaborate suicide and it didn’t even work!
3. What the hell was the point of Stanley’s penis?
I mean I cannot be the only one who thought SOMETHING would come out of that (hush now). Like he dies with it turned into a balloon animal or something, or *that* part of him ending up in a freak museum. Something.
4. What the hell was the point of the Fat Lady?
Seriously, you guys, did Ryan Murphy just meet a large woman at a party in the middle of the season, decide “I WILL WRITE YOU PART. YOU WILL DO NOTHING AND SERVE NO PURPOSE OTHER THAN TO EAT EVERY TIME THE CAMERA IS ON YOU AND BE FAT. I WILL PUSH SOCIETY IN A GREAT DIRECTION” and call it a day? Because this goodly lady had no other point and absolutely no other character attribute than fat.
5. What the hell was the point of Elsa’s leg doctor man?
Flashback to the artist formerly known as Ax Man, who created Elsa’s legs from wood and made them completely unrealistically realistic at all times? Fine. BUT WHY BRING HIM BACK? He comes back and is all “I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LAHHHHVVVEEE” and then he comes back again and is all “I AM A-DYING OF-A THE CANCER” and that’s the end of all that. Also, he looked great for a four-week terminal prognosis. Also, what was that accent even about?
6. What the hell was the point of Patti LaBelle and Gabourey Sidibe?
Why would you dare hire the LEGEND Patti LaBelle, stick her in a Woody Woodpecker costume and murder her immediately? And then poor Sidibe got nothing except one “WHERE IS MY MOTHER” line that she had to repeat every scene and then BAM, she dead, you cry everytime.
7. What the hell was the point of Dandy’s detective cop guy, the one who killed Sidibe?
Like there’s not even enough beyond that to expand.
8. What the hell was the point of Meep-ing Stanley, which we never saw again?
Waste of feathers.
9. What the hell was the point of NPH?
I love Neil Patrick Harris more than is appropriate, but WHAT WAS THE POINT? That show passed through more hands than a sexual comparison I can’t come up with because I’m so deeply lost in the lack of point. It came off like something Murphy just invented at random mid-season. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS.
In other loose ends, what happened to Angela Bassett’s giant clitoris? How did the sexagenarian Elsa get that famous at that point in time, when even Bette Davis in her 40s was considered too old? How did EVERYONE have such an unquenchable blood lust and complete detachment to the loss of human life?
This season was a mess. Such a mess. But at least we can all thank God we were spared ANOTHER rendition of “Life on Mars.”