It’s almost season finale season, people. Put on your best bib overalls with your finest chunky-heeled Mary Janes and let’s get 1996y up in here.
Melrose Place: Sydney and Jane kill Richard with a shovel…BUT IS HE EVEN DEAD?
Ellen: Will Paige and Spence get back together?! Assuredly the relationship betwixt Jeremy Piven and Joely Fisher’s characters will be the most important and interesting thing that happens next season!
Mad About You: ARE PAUL AND JAMIE HAVING A FUCKING BABY? HOLY SHIT.
Friends: Monica and Richard broke up?! LOVE IS GODDAMN DEAD.
The Nanny: Mr. Sheffield told Fran he loved her! *strangles nearest person* WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?
Wings: JOE AND HELEN BURNED BRIAN’S HOUSE DOWN ONE SEASON AFTER HE BURNED THEIR HOUSE DOWN! WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?! I HOPE THE CHICAGO BULLS TAKE THEIR FOURTH NBA CHAMPIONSHIP NEXT MONTH.
Coach: BOB DOLE! BILL CLINTON! WHO WILL BE PRESIDENT?!
ER: SOMETHING SOMETHING DOT-COM BUBBLE?!
Saved by the Bell: The New Class: THE UNABOMBER WAS ARRESTED. IT IS 1996 IS WHAT I AM SAYING.
It’s a really slow news day, guys.