07:59: Cody Parkey.
08:00: You folks know how this works — I’ll chime in periodically, and you’ll completely ignore me, and you’ll all talk amongst yourselves. You know the drill. I know the drill. Let’s get to it.
08:03: This is like the helicopter parenting of monologues — I’m not complaining. Also, Bradley Cooper in person always looks like he was badly airbrushed. Like, they merged two photos but couldn’t cover the lines.
08:09: Sandra Oh laughing at her own joke has definitely been the highlight, thus far.
08:12: Look: I had too much to drink during the playoff game, and the coffee hasn’t kicked in, so you’re just gonna have to forgive me until I pass out around 9:30. Also, I want to like this monologue because they’re being so nice, but the pool of cynicism that remains within me cannot help but to find the whole thing immensely lame. I’M SORRY. I LOVE YOU SANDRA OH.
08:14: Jesus Christ. Michael Douglas? I watched The Kominskey Method. The Kominskey Method was mediocre. I can’t explain this, except to believe that Hader and Glover split the youth vote and all the old people voted for Douglas. This is super dumb.
08:18: Well, I would’ve overturned a table if anything other than Into the Spider-verse had won for Best Animation, and it’s way too early to be flipping tables, so thank you Golden Globes. I still have a space upon which to write.
08:25: I see that Olivia Colman started drinking too early, too.
08:27: They totally voted for Madden’s ass. If Matthew Rhys had stripped down more often, he’d have won. MISANDRY.
08:29: Jesus. We’re doing Best Drama already? OK! Go The Americans! Killing Eve would have also been acceptable, but Eve has several more years to win. This was the last for The Americans, and it bloody deserved it. I always forget that Graham Yost was originally behind this. I mean, Justified and The Americans and Sneaky Pete, plus The Pacific. Dude’s got an impeccable track record.
08:40: Good of them to give Best Supporting to Wishaw since it’s the one show I haven’t seen so I cannot criticize the choice. Smart. You’ve inoculated the choice from Pajiba’s criticism. Well done.
I would like to go to Ben Whishaw's hair for my next holiday.— Caspar Salmon (@CasparSalmon) January 7, 2019
08:43: I ain’t mad at Arquette. Lots of great nominees in that category, and I guess the tie goes to physical transformation?
08:48: That flu shot bit. Ha!
08:53: OK. That fake-out intro for Carell was aces.
09:03: TEN MINUTES FOR CAROL BURNETT. Worth every second.
09:07: I love “Shallow,” and I love A Star is Born, and I don’t care who knows it (I will probably delete this in five minutes).
09:17: They should rename the Best Supporting Actress Award the Regina King award. Also this:
Regina King winning an Oscar for what probably would be her 10th or 15th best TV performance would be a fitting 2018-19 thing. Regina King is awesome, BTW. #GoldenGlobes— Daniel Fienberg (@TheFienPrint) January 7, 2019
Conductor: Time to play off Regina King.
Orchestra: … fuck that. YOU play off Regina King.
Conductor: Uh, nevermind.
09:24: Congrats Sandra Oh! Nice speech.
Also, I missed the red carpet, and Roxana just apprised me of this. WHAT?
What is going on?
Just asked Alison Brie about this. She had not heard about Metz’s comments and seemed very confused by the entire matter. “But why?,” she asked. “I know her. I saw her on the carpet and I told her how beautiful she looked.” https://t.co/B7zmEB009s— Nicole Sperling (@nicsperling) January 7, 2019
09:30: Mahershala Ali! Yes! For Green Book? No! (But seriously, he was great. That movie was not. I mean, even putting aside the controversy, the movie was super basic.)
09:34: And for screenplay? UGH. God. Also, if I’d never seen the guy who wrote Green Book and someone asked me to draw a sketch of what I believe the guy who wrote Green Book would look like, I would totally sketch that guy.
09:41: I posted that thing about Metz/Brie and like 10 minutes later, someone mentioned it in the comments, so now I know that nobody reads this, in which case I will admit that I wish Borstein hadn’t gotten it over Clarkson. You can’t get mad because you’re not reading this! HA! Suck it, Eloquents!
09:43: Would’ve given it to Redford (for his last role), but Bale was fantastic and all the more fantastic seeing him again after seeing him as Cheney. It’s impossible that they are the same person. Dude is unexpectedly giving the speech of the night, too.
09:57: Of all the Glee kids, it’s this guy that breaks out? You know what? Good for him.
10:09: OH! It’s because BCoop recently shaved off his beard, and he’s not tan yet in the beard space. That’s why he looks two-tone. Oh, and Bridges’ love for his wife is #lifegoals.
10:15: You know what? Fuck it. I’m going to spend the rest of the telecast down in the comments. It’s more fun down there. I’d ask you to join me, but you’re already there.
11:21: Thanks for joining us. Read the commments for the best reactions. Y’all are the best. See you at the Oscars.
Header Image Source: NBC