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J.J. Watt Is Exactly What You'd Expect as the Host of the Super Bowl 'SNL'

By Dustin Rowles | TV | February 2, 2020 |

By Dustin Rowles | TV | February 2, 2020 |


snl-watt.jpg

Cold Open — The Cold Open imagines the messy-bitch impeachment trial we all wanted, with witnesses, Donald Trump using a walker (like Weinstein), John Bolton showing up (ably played by Cecily Strong), along with Hunter Biden (Pete Davidson, the sketch’s highlight), and overseen by a judge played by Kenan Thompson. There’s a lot going on here, but it’s too depressing to be that funny. (Score: 5 out of 10)

J.J. Watt — I like J.J. Watt a lot. He’s a great NFL player (and probably the first defensive player to ever host SNL) and a spectacular human being. Sadly, he’s not a great comedian, though he gives it the old college try with a monologue of what are basically Dad jokes about playing in the NFL and growing up in a football family (his two brothers are also in the league). I get the feeling that he might make up for his lack of comedic skill by being completely game for anything. (Watch Here) (Score: 4 out of 10)

Frozen 2 Deleted Scenes — The deleted scenes include one in which Anna makes explicit that she’s gay; one where Olaf grows a penis second carrot, one where there’s a black character in rural Norway, and the one that was probably the genesis for the sketch: J.J. Watt playing woke Kristof. It’s not that funny, but Watt is a dead ringer for Kristoff. (Score: 4.5 out of 10)

Robbie — It’s a reverse Rudy, where everyone on the team tries to give up their spot so Robbie can play, except for J.J. Watt, who is like, “Are you f**king kidding me? This guy is awful.” It’s funny enough, and the way that things are going this week, it may end up the best sketch of the night. (Score: 6 out of 10)

The Sex Talk — I stand corrected. “Sex Talk” is better, and Watt sells it as a father who gives his son an overly enthusiastic sex talk after the son walks in on him and his mother having sex. (I awarded the Mat sketch of the week lower down, but this is a strong runner-up). (Score: 6.5 out of 10)

Men’s Product — The product is Olay eye black, the under-eye make-up for football players that moisturizes. “It isn’t gay, it’s just gay enough.” Cool. (Watch Here) (Score: 3 out of 10)

Weekend Update — “What better way to kick off Black History Month than to be failed by the justice system.” — Michael Che on the impeachment, who has decided to become a Republican because he can’t handle the heartbreak anymore. It’s a pretty decent “Update” this week, notwithstanding the numerous references to semen. (Score: 7 out of 10)

Bowen Yang plays Chen Biao, who is running point on the Coronavirus in China (watch here), and Ego Nwodim plays a professor of Black History who runs down a list of Black people who have wronged her and therefore are history. We need more Nwodim on this show.

Pilot Hank — We’ve seen this The Bachelor parody before — several times, in fact — and it’s not any better this time around. It’s just a series of women trying to convince Pilot Hunk (Watt) that they’re better suited for him. (Watch Here) (Score: 3 out of 10)

Madden 21 — Watt reads lines for the next edition of Madden, and they do not reflect well on him as a player or a human being, much to Watt’s frustration. This is not just the sketch of the night, it’s the Mat sketch of the night, too. (Score: 7.5 out of 10)

Food Dudes — You know when you drink too much and order enough room service for four, but it’s just you? These food dudes — or overweight mannequins — are designed so that the delivery person thinks there are four people in your room. That’s all I need to say about that. (Watch Here) (Score: 3 out of 10)

Society Debut — J.J. Watt plays Bigfoot — the Bigfoot — making his “society debut.” I’d say more, but really, it’s not worth it. (Watch Here) (Score: 2 out of 10)

Pizza Place — You know the pizza delivery guy in porn movies? Well, he’s got a boss to answer to, and he’s a terrible employee who never brings back any money. (Watch Here) (Score: 3.5 out of 10)


Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.


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