In this week’s episode of Riverdale:
— Archie returns to Riverdale with brown hair, reunites with Veronica, finds out about Veronica and Reggie, dyes his hair back to red, breaks up with Veronica, walks out on the SATs, and is told he’d need to repeat his junior year.
— Betty visits her father in prison to get his signature on her bank account to stop Alice from spending Betty’s college fund on a new Farm. Hal Cooper puts on a terrible Hannibal Lector impression, and we find out he’s having conjugal visits with Penelope Blossom. Moreover, despite being in prison for being a serial killer, Betty and Hal bond over their mutual disdain of Alice Cooper, who ultimately spends all of Betty’s money and gets an on-air job on a local newscast. Hal gives Betty a pep talk by telling her that she’ll get a college scholarship. What a great dad.
— Veronica welcomes Archie back, holds a surprise birthday party for him, then apologizes to Archie for hooking up with Reggie. She then tells Archie he isn’t the same anymore, bones him one last time, and breaks up with him after Hiram Lodge is shot. Hiram does not die (he’s in the ICU). Veronica suspects that Archie is behind it, and for some reason, seems to align with her father, who is an actual serial killer and drug kingpin.
— Before he was shot, Hiram arranged to have Claudius Blossom — a business ally — become the sheriff. Claudius rejects the offer because the last sheriff ended up dead, but Hiram makes him accept anyway. Claudius is killed, while he’s in jail, although I am not sure who put him in jail if he was the sheriff (his killer is probably the same person who shot Hiram).
— With the help of Fangs, F.P. and Jughead ambush the Gargoyle King, remove his mask, and discover that he’s … Tallboy. Tallboy? Yes. F.P.’s old Serpent buddy switched sides and began working for Hiram. It’s a super huge, anticlimactic letdown.
Jughead tries to honeypot Hiram with the Gargoyle King/Tallboy but fails. Meanwhile, Fangs and Sweet Pea accidentally kill Tallboy. Fearing the Serpents will take the fall for Tallboy’s death, Jughead … throws a party as a distraction? During the party, Hermione hires a new sheriff to replace Claudius, and that new sheriff shows up at the party, striking fear into Jughead until he realizes who the new sheriff is … F.P.
Neither Kevin nor Cheryl factor into the episode.
In sum: Archie and Veronica break up; Hal Cooper has a terrible Hannibal Lector impression; Hiram is shot; and F.P. is the new sheriff of Riverdale.
Related: Riverdale is getting a musical spin-off for some reason.
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