“Guess what, honey? There’s a lot of d*ck out there for me to suck to get on a PJ. I’m just letting you know.”
PJ = private jet, because of course it does.
Fifty years from now, Lala Kent’s grandchildren won’t need to ask her for her pearls of wisdom. They will simply turn to any given episode of Vanderpump Rules to understand the wealth of knowledge their grandmother has, even at a young age. In this episode, after breaking up with Randall (let’s be honest, we know it’s only a mini-break) Lala goes to the rando friend-of cast’s party in Santa Monica and drops the bon mot above.
Here it is in all of its trashy glory:
This clip is impressive not just because Lala went there, but also because Britney said something funny. How often do we laugh with her?
So, I’m pissed about this episode, friends—because it seemed like the crew was literally sleeping while Kristen went full-on Doute and it wasn’t captured on camera. All we know is that she somehow managed to piss off Katie, which forced Katie to sleep in Scheana’s room (and you know Scheana was seriously thrilled about that, and probably made friendship bracelets for the two of them that incorporated the stray hairs Katie left on the pillow.) When you piss off Katie, who somehow manages to stay married to a man who cheats on her (allegedly) repeatedly and his excuse is “well, I was blackout drunk so if I can’t remember it doesn’t count,” you KNOW the crew missed a beautiful meltdown.
Alas, all we get is the cutaway of Stassi saying Doute went full-on, drunkenly trying to get into their hotel rooms for cigarettes. Hey, we’ve all been there.
The other drama was that Tom and Tom were worried that none of their drinks would pass the mixologist expert’s muster to get on the menu at TomTom.
Sandoval whinged and moaned about how he would walk away from the partnership (lol, sure he would) but the most important part of this whole side story was that Schwartz didn’t know what to wear to the meeting with Lisa and the mixologist where they learn their drinks’ fate, and he went through a few different options with Katie. Sandoval had no such cut scene because you just know he had his whole “possibly triumphant but also righteously indignant” outfit planned out as soon as he was told there would be a meeting.
This was an OK episode mainly because, again, DJ James Kennedy wasn’t the focal point of it, and we also got to see Doute and Carter having a “serious” relationship talk and holy sh*t, Doute, you needed to have dumped him, like, yesterday!
Also, Stassi’s hangover vibe was pretty legit.
On to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
This last episode was pretty boring. We got to know more about Denise Richards and the most important take away is that she fornicates once a day with her then-fiancé, now-husband.
Also, Lisa Rinna told some fantastically dumb story about how Harry Hamlin was with Nicolette Sheridan, who left him because she met Michael Bolton at a concert. Sheridan was coincidentally who Denise Richards’s fiancé was married to, because Richards came on to the scene so there’s some weird synergy in that, which Rinna treated as a deep, mystical connection.
I like Rinna. She seems like the type of person who will give you a participation award to your face and talk endless amounts of sh*t behind your back. My kind of lady.
The only notable thing that really happened is that Lisa Vanderpump is off her game with the low-level mean girling she loves to pull on the ladies. I honestly think her grief from her brother’s sudden passing is what threw her off, because Lisa V., when she’s firing on all cylinders, would never have been so sloppy as to accuse Dorit of snoring and farting a lot in front of all the other women on the private jet that Dorit “chartered” (aka Bravo paid for.) There is nothing Lisa V. loves, loves, LOVES more than plausible deniability, which she doesn’t have here.
She just put blood in the water for this lot and we’ll have to see how it pans out for her tonight.
The other Beverly Hills Housewives need to realize that they are not masterminds like Vanderpump, and getting rid of her will make the show infinitely less watchable. It reminds me of a story in one of the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark collection, where three men shared a hospital room with a window at the far side of the wall. The men were in three separate beds, and the one closest to the window would describe all the wonderful things he saw out of it. One day he died, and one of the remaining men was moved to the bed by the window and he too described all of the great things he saw happening outside the window. The remaining man was jealous and didn’t get the window-man help when he needed it, so the window guy died, ensuring that the remaining man would get the bed by the window—and he did. Only once he looked out the window all he saw was the brick wall of the building next door. There was nothing more to look at.
The point is—all these women think that life would be better without Queen Bee Lisa Vanderpump’s Machiavellian low-key drama. But without Lisa V., there is no show as none of them are smart enough or dynamic enough to fill her top dog role. So…watch out for brick walls, ladies.
Anyone else checking out Mexican Dynasties premiering tonight? Looks trashy, and thus, it might have potential.
Until next time.
Header Image Source: YouTube/Bravo