‘Pee-Wee as Himself’ Removed the Last Shred of Magic From My Life

Pee-wee Herman has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Paul Reubens, less so. That’s no knock on the man who played the character; it’s just that I was born in 1989. My first experiences with him were through his show, Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, and his movie, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. I wasn’t as familiar with Paul until it was announced that he’d be starring in a movie called Mystery Men. That was the first time I saw Paul Reubens.

I was too young to know what happened when Reubens was arrested in 1991. When I did, and learned what occurred, he was still addressed as Pee-Wee, not Paul. “Pee-Wee got in trouble for spanking a monkey on TV,” I was told. And, being not old enough to do my own research, that’s what I believed for some time. When Reubens appeared alongside Ben Stiller and William H Macy, all playing B-Level superheroes, it was a bit of a revelation.

I learned that Pee-Wee was a character he played. I kind of knew that already, in the abstract, but this made it real. Yes, they were connected, but Paul was different from Pee-Wee. He was a real person, with real thoughts and feelings. That wall in my mind came down easily, at a time in my life when I was discovering how the world worked. He would remain a human being in my eyes until his passing, and even afterward. So, I was not shocked to see him be himself in the new documentary Pee-Wee as Himself.

I’ll be honest in that I was a bit taken aback by how much of a prick he could be, and I say that with love. He was (understandably) protective of his story, as it had often been taken from him. Also, acquiring a certain level of fame requires narcissistic tendencies (most of the time). That sucks, but it’s kind of baked into the entertainment industry. Paul is often flippant and uncooperative in the documentary, and that’s only what we see on camera. I was seeing him in a new light, and while that was jarring, I wasn’t shocked. Once the documentary took a trip to Puppet Land, things changed.

I’m a screenwriter and director outside of these hallowed walls. I’ve been performing and had an interest in the entertainment industry since I was 12, and that has only grown over time. I love learning about it, especially how things work. My generation was lucky enough to be bombarded with hours of special features on our favorite DVDs, and I devoured them ferociously. I loved asking questions. But, while watching Pee-Wee as Himself, I learned I had never asked an important one: How does Chairry work?

Not once in my 36 years on this Earth had I found myself trying to see the seams of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. I knew it wasn’t real. Even before I knew Paul Reubens was Pee-Wee Herman, I knew Jimmy Smits was on NYPD Blue, and he once played a mechanic on Reubens’ famed children’s show. I’ve often laughed thinking about how Rob Zombie was a PA on the program. Still, the inner workings of Conky, Floory, Clocky, and Magic Screen never crossed my mind.

Then, during the documentary, I saw a still photo of crew members sitting on the Playhouse set, and it broke my brain in a way I did not anticipate. I was not conscientiously aware that I apparently saw the Playhouse inhabitants as living things, but in that moment, that was all taken away. There was Chairry, and her voice, Alison Mark, explaining how the whole thing worked. Suddenly, the last little bit of magic in my life was removed from my life, and I didn’t even know it was still lingering there.

That’s how it should be. I’m an adult. I have kids of my own now, and my job is to make the world magic for them as long as I can. But feeling a part of me slip away in real time knocked me on my ass. I didn’t even fully comprehend what happened until I was discussing it with a friend a few days ago. That part of me is gone. However, Paul and Pee-Wee will always be there. The Playhouse will always be there. Now and again, I can at least still pretend the world I love is full of wonderful, magical things. It won’t be the same, but dammit, it’s beautiful.