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Pajiba's Guide to Everything You Need to Know About the Teen Choice Awards.

By Alexander Joenks | TV | August 11, 2014 |

By Alexander Joenks | TV | August 11, 2014 |

Last night were the Teen Choice Awards, so I thought it pertinent to review everything that you, as responsible, intelligent Pajiba citizens need to know about this event.

You totally assumed that this article was going to be blank didn’t you? That’s a fair assumption, but if we reach for the low hanging fruit every time, you’ll think we’re urologists and not writers. (But in that capacity: yes, that does look wrong, and no you shouldn’t show it to a doctor because it’s too gross).

1. Not a single Pajiba writer watched even a minute of the Teen Choice Awards. That’s our guarantee of quality, a promise from us to you.

2. There are videos of music performances from the show online. You should not watch them. They will make you feel old, and you will probably start yelling about people on your lawn. It’s all noise, and half the names of artists contain punctuation in the middle of words.

3. The awards show uses the word “choice” as an adjective for every award. For example: the “Choice Female Artist” and “Choice Movie Drama.” It all sounds vaguely slimy enough that you probably got herpes just from reading that sentence.

4. There are awards for “Choice Twit” and “Choice Viner,” both of which I’m pretty sure are horrific sex acts, but I’m too scared to look them up on urban dictionary since the great blumpkin horror of last week.

5. Kellan Lutz is a best actor nominee, for the triumph of acting that I described as “one quarter mentally disabled golden retriever”.

6. In defiance of the expectation of terrible taste, and of them knowing what the definitions of different genres are, Cosmos was nominated for Choice Reality Show.

7. But don’t worry, the soul killing horror of this corner of the universe was restored by Keeping up with the Kardashians winning that category.

8. The trophy for winning is a full size surfboard. The trophy for losing is apparently dignity.

9. Selena Gomez, won the “Ultimate Choice Award” which is like the MVP trophy of the sinkhole of teen culture. She was lifted to this triumph by her sole accomplishments of being the second worst actor in the worst movie I have ever seen and sleeping with Canada’s hate crime against the world.

10. At least ninety-nine percent of the choices teens make are objectively wrong, and deeply embarrass them ten years later. So this annual awards show is like a time-delayed bomb to drop on people of a certain age. Is there a 25 year old annoying you? Pull up the 2004 Teen Choice Awards and make them watch it. You will see the regret and sorrow in their eyes, and break their souls for weeks to come.