Pajama Party at the Retirement Home

By Figgy | TV | October 11, 2010 |

By Figgy | TV | October 11, 2010 |

Welcome to Episode 11, where I find myself trying to count how many ways I can find to call Ivy a bitch. Onwards!

Previously, a textile design challenge that should’ve been fun turned into yet another runway of blahness. Valerie went home, and Mondo had an emotional time before winning the challenge.

Heidi is at the runway, and tells them that they’ll be switching models for the first time this season, which is a good twist but also annoying for everyone involved. The final outcome is that Mondo’s model (who had been my favorite so far and rocked everything that Mondo made) is sent home. Heidi next tells them that their challenge will be to create a head-to-toe look for her ActiveWear collection for New Balance. She brings out five of the looks and it’s just depressing to look at — all floppy, loose clothes in dull colors. They’re cute work-out clothes, I suppose, but my heart sinks knowing that this will be one incredibly boring challenge. The winning design will be sold on Amazon, which is nice, though I doubt that the designers will get a cent of that money.

The designers arrive at the workroom, where there bolts of fabric in the colors for the collection. Gretchen whines that the looks are very basic and retail-driven which, yes, that’s the point of the challenge. But it does go against everything the judges have been preaching so far. Gretchen seems to believe that she gets to decide everything about this look, when the exact opposite is true. It’s a running theme for her (and Mondo) this episode. And let me just vent for a moment because, blah, what a boring challenge. No color, no originality, no prints, no craziness. It’s like a Sad Sunday Collection. Basic retail crap, which is something the judges are always screaming against. But, whatever, I guess after 8 seasons the producers are out of ideas.

Tim enters the workroom accompanied by Heidi, and poor Gunn looks very nervous. He first tells Chris that his new model, Alexandra, has had to drop out of the show, so he’s getting Eyen, Mondo’s former model. Huzzah! But … poor her, she gets the guy whom everyone knew was going home this week. A short, sad reprieve for the poor girl.

Heidi proceeds to go full-out Bitch Queen on everybody at the workroom. The first time I watched I had the idea that she was being horrible to play for the cameras, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she was doing it on purpose to simulate what a real life situation would be like for the designers. Because, in the real world, you don’t get clients who are, say, high school students who get a free dress, they’re going to be like Heidi: uber-rich (well, if they’re lucky) bitches who want what they want and won’t let you have any creative leeway whatsoever. It’s something that’s true for just about every creative profession out there. Clients are stupid, but they have the money, and as much as it angers you, you’re gonna have to swallow it and make something you hate because it’ll keep you in business. And the way that some of the designers react tells me that they’ve never had an experience like this before, which, hey, it’s about time you did. Better get used to it, because unless you’re ridiculously talented or lucky, you’re going to be doing this a lot if you hope to make a living as a creative person.

First up to suffer the Wrath of Klum is Mondo, who gets pissy and rude when … Heidi is pissy and rude to him. She is horrible; laughing and trying on his clothes and mocking everything he’s doing, then reprimanding him for being rude. I get horrible flashbacks of my year as an intern at a Graphic Design firm. So, yes, Heidi makes me want to kick her in the crotch, especially because her criticism isn’t exactly constructive, but Mondo, dear, you’re just gonna have to take it. He decides to scrape everything and start over.

When Heidi is done with him, Mondo storms out of the room. Chris comes over and gives him a pep talk that basically amounts to “You’re awesome and you’ll probably win the whole show!”. Let’s be honest here: Mondo turned into a whiny baby just then. Yeah, it’s annoying, but get over it and do your work. Also, like Tim said, better to get the criticism now than later at the Runway, when you can’t fix a damned thing.

Heidi takes on Gretchen next, and the first thing she turns to is a piece of fabric that wasn’t part of the dossier. Heidi gets annoyed at how Gretchen is trying to break out of the very strict rules of the challenge, and Gretchen in turn is clearly annoyed at all the criticism she’s getting. She shows some leggings that she’s working on that seem to have … rouching at the butt? The hell, Gretchen? Heidi looks horrified and the whole thing is kind of hilarious, because watching Gretchen run into some real criticism for the second time this season gives me a refreshing case of schadenfreude. She really can’t take any criticism of her work at all.

Next up is Michael, who shows off a hoodie of some sort. April comments that all he knows how to do is string fabric together. Someone’s jealous. Right or not: shut up, April. Heidi, in full Regina George mode, says that he’s very fast, and snarks at how everyone was calling him a bad sewer, even going “Gee, who was it that called you a bad sewer? Oh yes! She’s out of the show!” Bwahaha, she’s so deliciously horrible.

Before she leaves, she drops another bomb, telling them that she wants two more looks from each of them, so she’s sending in some “help.” The “help” turns out to be the last six eliminated designers. Michael looks disgusted, because a lot of these people hate him. There’s Peach and Casanova (yay!), AJ and Michael D (eh) and Ivy. Ugh. I thought we were done with her.

Mondo picks Valerie, Gretchen gets Casanova, Chris gets Ivy, Michael gets AJ, April gets Peach and Andy gets Michael D.

A new day rises, and at the workroom, AJ confesses to Michael C that he was very nervous about working with him, but that his fears have dissipated. So, yet another designer who seems to have believed all the stupid unfounded rumors about MC and has come to realize that he’s not the horrible person they all thought he was. Casanova says that Michael’s stuff looks like a Thanksgiving Dinner and he’s right — it’s peach orange and brown. Like pumpkins and turkey. He gets mocked in the sewing room, and then this little exchange happens as they’re all sitting there working:

Ivy: So, Michael, what’s it’s like to still be in the competition?

Michael: Well, I’m so stressed I still can’t believe it

Ivy: Why, because you cheated?

*needlescratch*

Let’s start the count with: Shit-stirring little imp. Ivy claims that Michael cheated by taping his model into his Jackie Kennedy dress. Apparently they’re not allowed to use double-sided tape or something, which seems like a stupid rule to me. He says the accusation is ridiculous, and I’m wondering why she didn’t bring this up before.

Michael, clearly hurt and annoyed, asks Ivy what it feels like to be eliminated, and Ivy pretends to blow it off by saying it’s just a TV show. Mmmhmm. One at which you were desperately trying to succeed in, you bitter old hag (#2!). Seems to me that she’s completely thrown by his actually standing up to her, and she gets all stuttery and even more idiotic. Michael asks, quite bluntly, why Ivy is fucking with him, and apparently the horrible, unspeakable F word offends fucking Ivy’s fucking sensibilities and she can’t believe he’s so “low class.” Are you fucking serious? She calls him despicable, and Michael asks why she is such a bitch to him — is it because he “can’t sew”? Rather than answer back with, you know, an actual reason (other than the judges liked him better than her), she actually brings up his kids and how they should be ashamed of him and what the fuck is wrong with this woman? You do not bring in someone’s kids into your bitter old fight, you despicable excuse for a human being (#3!), trying to suck out the last droplets of fame from this show after you have been eliminated. And it makes me angry at the producers, too, because why are they even letting her talk in interviews? She is out of the show! She doesn’t get to have a say in any of this! Damn you for trying to sell the drama.

And she is just not letting up. She brings up the “sabotaging” nonsense, but when he asks for specifics all she says is that “I just know you do and that’s THAT!” which, come on. She is the one who talked nothing but shit about him and others. She’s so spiteful and pathetic (#4!), and this is such high-school Level bullshit and I can’t believe I’m buying right into it. Ivy interviews that Michael is holding a spot that could’ve been hers or Val’s or Michael D’s. Bitch, get real. You lost with a cheap crepe paper dress, Michael D lost because of a puritan skirt and Valerie lost for one of the ugliest things I’ve seen on that runway. It’s pure bitterness from this vile woman who still doesn’t seem to understand why she didn’t win the show.

Michael, fuming, goes into the break room, where AJ is. AJ says that everyone does think he cheated— why didn’t we hear about this before? Were they seriously building up the drama for this episode? Such bullshit to try and make up for a stupid, lame challenge.

Ivy is still going. She plays the high school mean girl again (have some dignity, for crying out loud!) and goes up to Mondo and gloats about how she made “his friend” cry. I wish Mondo would burn that harpy (#…something, I lost count) with that iron he’s holding. Mondo, hilariously, just interviews that someone is bitter. Having failed to rile up Mondo, Ivy the Vile decides to try April, which works because April is quite horrible as well and congratulates Ivy for her little shit-stirring party. Then she goes to Valerie (good god, woman) and they giggle like evil little girls. And Grecthen of all people interviews that this is bullshit and just counterproductive, and say what you want about Gretchen (OK, I usually do that) but even she can see that Ivy is just stirring up the shit for no reason at all. I get this very clear idea that the four girl roommates would just talk shit about Michael in their apartment, and then they would go gossip about it to the boys and, voila, the drama queens ate it up. Hatred against one guy for no damn reason at all, and it’s flat-out disgusting.

Ivy the Bitch Queen of the Universe interviews that, “The world will give him what he deserves. I believe in karma.” Bitch, if karma were a real thing you’d be dancing in flames right about now. I am so damn sick and tired of her. And BWAH! Ivy gets injured with a sewing machine and Michael smirks in the corner. Brilliant piece of editing right there.

Tim comes in and asks them to gather round. Ivy grins like an evil monkey. Tim asks about the cheating accusation, and finally Ivy comes out with it: Apparently, during the Jackie Kennedy challenge, someone found some packages for doublestick tape in the bathroom. That’s…it? Someone found something in the bathroom and they all decided, “It must be Michael’s!” and that devolved into hating this one guy so much that you tried to shit-talk him at every turn and could have gotten him eliminated from the show? THAT WAS IT?! Fuck all these people, honestly. Ivy claims that they went to the producers with it, who told them that it was too late—which makes sense. There was no proof at ALL that this was Michael’s. On top of that, none of the other designers (except maybe April) seems to have really believed that this was Michael’s doing, because they’re not saying anything now and seem to have come to believe that the rumor was a lie, just by being around Michael and realizing that he’s not a cheater and that the judges genuinely see something in him.

Tim, awesomely, tells them all that it is too late, and that it’s an unfounded, hearsay, bullshit accusation that had no effect on the outcome of the challenge. Let me get a little high school myself by saying: stick that up your ass and smoke it, Ivy. Tim says that everyone is to forget this, and leaves. Michael says he’s sad (don’t bother, Mike, these people aren’t worth it), and Ivy looks annoyed that her little plan didn’t come off. Seriously, choke on it, you hateful little urchin.

Then that’s finally over. See how weak the challenge is? We’ve heard nothing about any of the garments since Tim’s first consultation.

It’s finally runway day, and Casanova complains about some shorts Gretchen is making by saying: “It’s a mom with money and like, five childrens” and oh I missed him. I wish he was still here instead of say, Christopher.

The Runway Where the Spirits Mourn. Heidi looks like April styled her hair, and she’s wearing an 80s dress and too much tanner. Guest judge is Norma Kamali, whom I’ve never heard of, but she apparently makes sportswear. She does turn out to be a very good judge, so props to her for that.

Gretchen. Her first look is a white dress, grey tights and a long flowy coat. It’s a mess, and flat-out confusing. The styling looks like something out of Grey Gardens. The second look is a top that shows off the midriff, a white cropped sweater and black pants, with those hideous ankle boots from before. There’s this horrible panel thing on the front of the pants, which looks like the girl could open it so she can pee. It’s hideous. I also wish Gretchen would cut her tops better, because they always look like something out of Flashdance — like you went at them with scissors. Her third look is a cut-out top, a grey skirt, some horrible biker shorts underneath and a grey sweater. It’s all flat-out ugly.

Andy. His first look is a very loose grey and black blouse, a top underneath and funky pants. Very shopping Mall Mom, which I guess is the point of this thing, but it’s very cool and stylish at the same time. His second look is my favorite: a loose hoodie in this great striped fabric and black pants. Very nice, if very basic. Third is a mini dress with long sleeves in the black and white. It’s a very nice three-piece collection, for sure. Basic, but he did rock out the colors and patterns and managed to make something that stood out. I’d kill for that hoodie (only $165 at Amazon! Kinda pricey for “work out clothes,” Heidi).

April. First is a loose (I’ll stop saying that, assume everything is loose) dress and a cardigan. Boring. There’s no shape to it at all. The second is like everything she’s done: black bra, sheer black top, black shorts. Good lord. Absurdly short shorts, too. The third is some kind of robe that just looks horrible. Like a half-assed kaftan. I just never like anything she makes. I guess it’s technically impressive, but her aesthetic just seems so off and derivative to me.

Christopher. Grey top with a fun bra, gray pants that taper at the calf. Nice, but the racerback doesn’t go with it. His second is an ugly white jacket, basic red top, gray pants. He says he wasn’t ready for the challenge, but frankly none of his other stuff was much better. Oh god, it’s like horrible harem sweatpants. Ick. His third is some dress with giant sleeves. All three are shapeless, horrible garments.

Michael. His first look is a dark gray top, peach-colored pants and a giant poncho thing. I like the color combination and the poncho , but the pants are ugly. The second is hideous: she looks like a witch with orange pants, gray top and some kind of billowy, flappy poncho thing. Ick. The pants are bad, especially in the color department. At least he used color? His third looks like a dress/sweatshirt that’s bizarre but original.

Mondo. His first look is an oversized jacket, purple pants and funky headband. Mondo likes his looks even if he hated the challenge (me too!). His second is a white top, a shirt over it, black pants. Pretty. Third is very nice: a big mini dress and tight gray pants. I do like the headbands and how they add a touch of color. It’s a nice little collection and I’m glad he changed everything about it.

Michael, Chris and Gretchen have the lowest scores. Ugh. Fucking April, I’m so over her. Gretchen is surprised that she’s in the bottom 3 (of course she is!) because she made so many different garments. She should know by now that the judges don’t buy into the whole quantity = talent thing.

Mondo is first. He says he played with the idea of a circle, a triangle and a square, which is reflected in the headbands. That is so cute. The Brown Kors loves it, and congratulates him on having whimsy even without the patterns, but that the bottoms are a little blah (definitely true, it’s just leggings). Everyone loves his clothes, and Heidi gloats about how she told him to change everything.

April. She says she’d wear all the pieces she made. Kors likes the first dress and the arm bands, but that it’s not very active (so she fails at the challenge, doesn’t she?). Norma says that her colors are a problem (YES). Won’t someone please call her out on making the same shit over and over again? Heidi hates the shorts, and I can’t believe no one comments on how she does shorts EVERY WEEK.

Andy says that he made wearable, chic clothes. I love the patterns on them. Heidi loves them, as well as Kors. He says they’re exciting and wearable, and how he combined fabrics. Nina likes the fun of it but that it can look very Halloweeny I like that he rocked it out from his slump of last time.

Michael. Heidi says that she introduced a lot of new colors to the collection. Why didn’t she say something before? It’s the same comments they make about him every week—editing, editing, editing. Christopher says it’s about the details and the construction in his pieces. Kors says it looks cheap and that the dress is sad. He gets butchered, and deservedly so. Gretchen digs herself into a hole by pointing out the things that are wrong with Heidi’s collection. She basically called it all unsophisticated—which might be true but, good lord Gretchen, know when to keep your mouth shut. Heidi calls it “hosh kaposh” (hodge podge, Kors tells her). Nina says they look too forced (yep) and odd. Kors says the styling is hideous.

Backstage, Gretchen thinks that Heidi hates her, and yep, I think she does. But come on, you should know that you don’t argue with Heidi. She’s known for being blunt, honest and bitchy. The judges praise the top three for making nice clothes and doing well on the styling. They’re so big on that this season.

“Pajama party at the retirement house,” Kors says about Chris’ collection. It’s incredibly boring. They say that Michael’s proportions and his taste levels are off. Kors hated Gretchen’s styling. Hee, Kors says that the biker shorts look like her thighs are eating them. They’re all annoyed at her gigantic ego (that they helped build up, by the way) and how she wanted to “fix” Heidi’s line. So true, but come on. That line is pretty bland.

April is in. Andy wins, yay! That’s how you bring it back, and he gets to have his pieces produced and sold on Amazon. Mondo is in. Gretchen is in, and Heidi tells her to learn how to take constructive criticism. Backstage, Gretchen whines about Heidi not liking her— she thinks it’s because she stated her opinion. No, Gretchen, it was because your opinion was idiotic and you didn’t listen to instructions. Get it right.

Christopher is out, about three weeks to late. Finally. Michael cries (or pretends to cry, I don’t care) but no one asks him why he’s crying. Tim enters and says that Chris will be “profoundly” missed. By someone, I suppose.

So, yet another drama-filled episode. I think the negative opinion of Ivy is universal, and she came out looking like nothing but a sore loser. It also cemented my bad opinion of April (who I guess can be excused by the fact that she’s 21 and probably still stuck in High School mind) and confirmed that the judges aren’t so into Gretchen anymore. I think it’s almost a sure thing that Michael C will be the next to go, and it’ll be a matter of seeing whether it’s April or Gretchen who make it into Fashion Week along with Andy and Mondo. We’re definitely at the home stretch here. What did you think of the episode? Anyone up to defending Ivy’s actions? How about that stupid challenge, and are the producers completely out of ideas by now? And the cheating accusation? Let it rip.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she wants you to make it work.. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.