I love Dolly Parton as much as I hated Heartstrings, her anthology Netflix series. Which is a bummer because I went into this really wanting to love it. Unfortunately, what ended up happening is that the acting was so stilted and the dialogue so terrible that it reminded me of a really crappy episode of Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction, or basically any show where a crime is reenacted poorly.
If you hate yourself, or want to let someone in your life know you hate them, you should watch this series, which takes Dolly’s classic songs and turns them into television episodes that involve Julianne Hough saying things in the “Jolene” episode like: “I’m a healthy 21st-century self-defined feminist, who does what she wants, who she wants, when she wants.” She says this after Dolly, playing her manager at the bar she works at, asks her if she’s a nymphomaniac because she got a booty text after hours. Oh, not self-loathing enough? How about Kimberly Williams-Paisley role-playing as Andrea Zuckerman, trying to get her husband to f*ck her. It doesn’t work. Friends, if someone in your life turns down sexy times when you’re in BH90210 role-play, the relationship is irrevocably broken and you should move on.
Have you ever wanted to watch Hough repeatedly call Dolly Parton “babe” for no real reason? Then this movie should appeal to you. Have you ever felt the need to loudly shout “whore” at a concert to let people know that the singer, in your estimation, is, in fact, a whore? It’s like they are reading your mind, and putting it directly on the screen! Do you want to watch very deeply stupid people shuffle about their lives while reenacting “Jolene” as on-the-nose as possible?
Cool—you’re in a for a real treat!
However, if you have any amount of self-respect, or you value your time in any capacity, you should probably just stare at a wall, in silence, for the hour it would take to watch this show.
The only caveat I can offer you is that the holidays are coming up, and if you want to punish any of your loved ones, you should suggest you all sit down, as a family, and watch this show together. That goes double if you think they would actually enjoy this s*itshow. You should make sure to pre-watch any episodes you might subject them to, so you can ruin all the very obvious plot points before they happen, just to make sure they don’t enjoy the experience either. With Heartstrings, no one should walk away happy. If they do, something has gone wrong.
This show is bad. Dolly, and “Jolene” deserve better. If you want to celebrate Dolly, save yourself the trouble and put on 9 to 5 and you’ll be a much happier person. Or, if you’re in a time crunch, just listen to the song and try to forget this abomination ever happened.
Header Image Source: Netflix