Marianne Williamson Should Be President, Just Not of America

Marianne Williamson vibrated in last night to participate in the Democratic presidential debate because she had finished her bottle of oaky chardonnay and had a few hours to kill before her crystal reiki session started.

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In any other election cycle, Williamson would be a curiosity that I would want to keep around as long as possible, because she says bats*it bananas things about JFK, New Zealand, and being friends with our European allies through pithy phrases. Unfortunately, we saw a huckster become president in 2016 and we cannot keep “joke” candidates around because they have a horrible precedent set of becoming president.

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So I’m going to pivot here and say that yes, Mariann Williamson should be president, just not of America. She needs to be president in a place where the president can solve all of the world’s ill through love, and not diplomacy, grit, and intelligence. A place where crystals are a viable option to dealing with haunted hell closets. A place where the presidential physician can be an orangutan named Nurse Precious. Mariann Williamson should be president of the America where the town Harmony is. Yes, friends, Marianne Williamson should be president in the Passions universe, which a few of you astutely observed in the open thread last night and I was glad to see some likeminded people in the comments.

Just think of the ground-breaking legislative work she could do on behalf of doll/human hybrids.

Or the tough border issues that would face a closet that is in actuality a portal to hell. Or dealing with situations where someone kidnaps a pregnant woman, puts her in a hole in the ground, and then pretends to be her, using a flour sack as a substitute for a pregnant womb.

Don’t get me started on the masterful diplomacy that she would demonstrate on curbing the nasty habits of witches who transform themselves into sea-people that try to lure people (OK, one person, Charity Standish) out into the ocean to die because of an ancient prophecy.

You would want no other leader in the command position when poisoned petit fours struck your community because the same witch was trying to kill Charity again. Or they were trying to get Charity to poison her boyfriend with mushrooms because of a prophecy.

Basically, Marianne Williamson is uniquely qualified to handle communities where there is a persistent murderous witch who can also use a door as a surfboard to ride out a tsunami, and who needs to be managed and reigned in at all times because they keep on trying to kill a specific person (and sometimes succeed in killing other people.)

Harmony is a world where when people hook up, fireworks literally appear. That is a world that deserves Williamson to be president.

Additionally, I have no doubt in my mind that Williamson could persuade Timmy to reveal the special recipe of “Martimmys.”

So while I think it’s probably for the good of our nation that we bid Williamson’s bid for presidency a fond farewell, I think that we can dream of a world where she presides, serenely, over Harmony. Who knows, she may even be able to get the show revived because it sounds like such a sweet gig to get. If that’s the case, then her rallying cry of “We’re back!” will be heard once more.

Until then, we’ll always have the rollercoaster ride to hell.