Friends, if for a brief moment this week you heard a piercing shriek of happiness in the night sky, it wasn’t the Sea Witch coming to claim the eternal prize that was promised to her (that’s still to come.) No. It was me, yelping for joy that the delicious trash soufflé of hot people doing hot-people things while also solving crimes known as Lucifer was renewed for a fifth and final season.
Obviously, I am thrilled with the news because this show is beautiful trash and I mean as the highest compliment I can pay. I love trash, and now that Lucifer knows it’s on its way out, I truly, truly look forward to seeing how the show that began with no f*cks to give can mine that barren field of f*cks to see how truly, deliciously trashy they can make the final season. I know wherever they take this show, it will involve their hot cast scantily clad, and probably going at it with each other. Can’t wait.
So, in honor of the fifth and final season of Lucifer, I’ve compiled a short list of what I’d like to see happen upon its return.
Bring Charlotte Back You Cowards
I will be honest here; Lucifer’s mom is really hot. I enjoy looking at her on screen. Also, Eve already demonstrated that you can come back from heaven, so let’s bring Charlotte back for at least one episode because why the f*ck not?!
I mean, they made a big hullabaloo of Lilith in season 4. Have the actor who plays Charlotte come back to play Lilith. It doesn’t make sense, which means it’s perfect for Lucifer.
..And While You’re at it Bring Back God as a Belt Buckle
The fact that a mental patient became God because he wore a celestial artifact as a belt buckle will never cease to delight me, so please bring that plot element back in the final season.
Don’t do Eve Dirty
Cyndi Lauper said it best: Girls just wanna have fun, OK?
Don’t partner Eve up with anyone. Let her live her life in a way she never got to before. Maybe she opens a vintage boutique in LA or decides to go travel the world. The point is, don’t pair her up because not everyone needs to be fulfilled in life from a romantic relationship.
Have Daniel Give up Being a Cop to Become an Actor
Daniel is a s*itty detective anyway. Also, as many of you pointed out in the last post, he was like, super corrupt for a bit until they realized he was hot, and thus, needed to be kept on the cast in an uncomplicated, thirsty way. It would be pretty funny to have him give up the force suddenly to go pursue his dream.
More Babies for Linda and Amenadiel
I guess a few of our plucky characters deserve a happy if not mundane, rather than a sexy, ending. Let’s give it to these two. Let them have a happy, big, angel-human hybrid family because why not? Amenadiel is definitely more of the family type of angel than Lucifer ever was.
Give Ella a Spin Off
Ella, who I failed to mention in the last post because she’s not nearly as trashy as the other characters, is a ray of sunshine on this show. Why not give her a spin-off where she can go solve murders with other supernatural crime solvers, like a Werewolf medical examiner, or a Ghost who also happens to be a prosecutor?
Barring that, she deserves a happy ending (that doesn’t involve porking Dan) and to regain her faith, in whatever form that takes.
Have Chloe Become Queen of Hell
Hear me out on this one, much like Dr. Strange, I have an end game in mind that if you think too hard about, the plot holes and character inconsistencies will become too obvious, so just go with it.
We all agree that Chloe and Lucifer are where this is all headed, whether we like it or not, yes? We also all agree that their love story is kind of…blah, yes? Personally, I want Lucifer to stay that horny nail-anything-that-moves kind of demon, so what if Chloe finally got that stick out of her ass and decided that if you can’t beat em, join em?
What if Lucifer does belong in hell? This top-side vacation he’s been on is a bit of a lark, so what if the central theme of his development is to stop fighting who he is, and to stop blaming outside forces for the decisions he’s made in life? Finally accepting that, he decides to remain in hell, after Chloe has tried her damndest to get him out. So she pulls a Sandy from Grease and is like “f*ck it” (literally) and stays in hell with him because she’s happiest when she’s with him.
Maze can Raise Trixie
I’m sure Chloe and Daniel love Trixie, but let’s be honest here: Maze would be a much better parent to her. Trixie is a pretty rad kid, in spite of being raised by two drips. With that in mind, I think we need to reward her with the ultimate ending, which is a life spent with Maze who can teach her how to throw knives and be the little bad ass that she was meant to be.
Daniel is exactly the type of dad who if he decides to become an actor, is basically going to drop off the face of the planet. With Chloe’s primary residence in hell, it would leave Maze to continue running Luxe and ensuring that Trixie didn’t grow up to be boring like her parents. Linda, Amenadiel and their brood of angel-human children could be there to provide Trixie additional support and help ground her but I doubt she’d really need it. Ultimately, I feel like everyone would be better off here in this scenario.
F*ck it, do a Cross Over with The Facts of Life
Sure, this seems out of left field, but what is Lucifer if not a show that entirely exists out of left field? It would be an incredibly WTF the moment to see Lucifer interact with Tootie and the gang so let’s do it.
Finally, Remember That You’re on Netflix
No more broadcast TV standard to worry about. Give us more Lucifer’s butt.
Well, that’s my wish list for season 5. What about you?
Header Image Source: Getty