John Oliver took aim at Brett Kavanaugh and the Republicans in this week’s Last Week Tonight, using the entire 30 minutes on the subject. It’s a long, brilliant, insightful, and hilarious segment, and if you have half an hour to spare, it’s worth watching, even if it either recounts or confirms most of your existing beliefs.
Many of you, however, do not have 30 minutes to spare today, so I’ll give you the higlights (and they’re best read in John Oliver’s voice).
— Oliver takes issue with the prosecutor’s bizarre decision to grill Ford on who paid for the polygraph (“Who fucking cares”?)
— He goes after Senator Orrin Hatch for describing Ford as “attractive” and “pleasing,” which is never the way a sexual assault victim should be described.
— “I hate to say it, but I am starting to think that men are too emotional for the Supreme Court.”
— Listening to Kavanaugh list off his female friends “is not testimony. It’s like a plain-spoken cover of “Mambo #5.”
— “Aside from being deeply disrespectful, ‘Have you?’ (as in, “Have you blacked out?”) is just not the answer of an innocent person. If you ask someone if he ever blew a dog, and he answered, ‘I don’t know, have you!?’ then that person blew a fucking dog, and in all likelihood, not just one.”
— “Am I saying that someone who went to a high school with its own golf course should not be a Supreme Court justice? Yeah, yeah I think I am. I didn’t plan to say that when I started this sentence, but yeah, I’m sticking by it.”
— “I know that it may seem cruel to make fun of a man crying over his late father’s calendars; but what if I were to tell you that his father was still alive AND WAS SITTING RIGHT BEHIND HIM. And that is why I am completely comfortable saying that, ‘Every Christmas we would sit around and Dad would regale us with his calendars’ is the single weirdest fucking thing I have ever heard anybody say … and an adult man reading last year’s calendar to his 14-year-old son is literally the saddest Christmas I can imagine other than being one of the innocent people killed in the movie in Die Hard.”
— Even several C-Span callers know that a “Devil’s Triangle” is not a drinking game; it’s sex between two men and a woman.
— “Lindsay Graham sounds like the least intimidating sheriff in all of the Wild West.”
— Railing against Democrats should be disqualifying in and of itself. “We are supposed to have at least 9 people left who do not speak that way, and yet Kavanaugh came out and basically said it’s ‘Me vs. the Libtard Cucks.’”
— The crucial question is “Why? Why this particular asshole? Why is he the hill the conservatives are willing to die on?” Basically, it’s because of abortion, which is to say, they prioritize “human lives as long as you believe that life begins at conception and stops right before a sexual assault is committed and starts right back up again as soon as that sexual assault is over.” But even if ending abortion is the ultimate goal, there are many other judges that could accomplish that goal. There is nothing uniquely qualifying about Kavanaugh.
— “I genuinely cannot see any reason to select Kavanaugh over an alternative candidate … it feels like they’re doing this just to deliver a fuck you to Democrats. Or more importantly, a fuck you to women … ‘we believe you. We just don’t care.’”
— “If he makes it to the Supreme Court, we should never forget how that happened, or what it represents.”
Header Image Source: HBO