Old School. Biblically Independent.
By Dustin Rowles | TV | August 3, 2026
True story: I grew up on Taco Bell. I was poor. I ate one meal a day. Six out of 7 nights, it was Taco Bell, because I could consume all the calories necessary for life for $3 a day. I ate Taco Bell nearly every night for about two years, before I eventually developed a stomach ulcer at the age of 17. Then I dialed it back to 2-3 nights a week (alternating with Sonic’s brown bag special).
Now, I eat Taco Bell maybe once every year if everyone in my family is gone (they refuse to eat it because they’re entitled middle-class kids who can afford Chipotle) when I am feeling nostalgic. It costs $7-$8 now to satisfy my caloric needs, it makes my car smell like swamp ass, and two years ago, I ate Taco Bell and got COVID instead of what I’m used to: Gastrointestinal upset. At least that’s better than the explosive diarrhea that a couple thousand people came down with earlier this summer after their Taco Bell excursions thanks to the cyclospora parasite in their lettuce.
And that’s the point of the mock ad produced by John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight, voiced by Adam Pally: Taco Bell has taken precautions. They’ve removed the lettuce from their food. And now? You’re no longer in danger of getting debilitating diarrhea. Now? You just get the regular diarrhea you can expect anytime you decide to order “the wettest food in America.”
Unfortunately, I didn’t realize I couldn’t embed the video before I wrote this up, so you’re gonna have to click through to LateNighter to watch. It’s worth it.
Don’t think that Chipotle gets off easy, though. John Oliver covered them a few years ago:
