Last night on How I Met Your Mother, questions were answered, callbacks were addressed and we finally, finally, found out what Barney Stinson does for a living—and that he’d been telling us the whole time.
Mystery 1: What are the names of Ted’s children?
SOLVED! Their names, as we learned last night, are Penny and Luke. Not Luke and Leia as Ted had hoped, but close enough.
Mystery 2: What does Barney Stinson do for a living?
SOLVED! Please. Or, rather, PLEASE.
But, it’s OK. Because vengeance will soon be his. Barney’s actually in cahoots with the Feds in an effort to get his boss arrested—and it turns out his boss is Greg, the be-suited dudebro from “Game Night,” the one who stole former love Shannon from the then-hippiefied, ponytailed baristo version of Barney and turned him into the pinnacle of awesome we know and love.
Mystery 3: Will there be a ring bear or a ring bear-ER?
SOLVED! There will totally be a ring bearer, you guys. His name is Trevor Hudson and his mom works with Barney. Also, he’s probably a bear.
We also learned lots of other new info, like…
NEW! Barney spends “one crapload” a year on suits. He can afford to do this because not only does he make “16 craploads” a year at his job, but because…
NEW! Robin is goddamn loaded. Her family is worth “6000 craploads.” Despite her wealth…
NEW! Robin has paid for only a scant three bar tabs in the past nine years.
NEW! The dulcet tones of Bryan Adams, the Canadian Bruce Springsteen, make Barney weep.
Then there were revelations that, while new, weren’t really surprising, like…
Barney was broken, but now he’s happy. Aw.
Also, Marshall hasn’t fully let go of the time Lily left him and moved to San Francisco. Honestly, I always knew that would have to come up again. Let’s face it—no matter how long you’re in a relationship, no longer how much you have forgiven someone, the forgetting part is hard.
Poor Marshmallow. :(
That, of course, leads us to…THE REMAINING MYSTERIES.
MYSTERY: Who picked up Lily from the Farhampton Inn?
After the big blowup with Marshall, Lily called someone to come get her. Who was it? My initial thought was The Mother, but she’s staying at the Inn with the rest of them, isn’t she? Also, I think she had a van earlier. Maybe her dad Mickey, aka, Chris Elliot? That’s honestly my only real guess.
MYSTERY: What about Ted and Robin’s locket?
Early on, we learned that Ted flew to California to search Stella’s storage locker for Robin’s locket. We haven’t yet seen that, and we don’t yet know how that pans out. But we know Ted leaves the wedding all melancholy in the rain like a Ted. Hmm…
MYSTERY: Dammit, Trudy, what about the pineapple?
Some mysteries were never meant to be solved.