Fuck. You. Tracer. Bullet. You owe me roughly a billion beers next time I see you.
For some insane reason, I’m going to do this. Real-time reviews seem rather popular, and there is fuckall going on with movie news, yet Dustin continually cracks the whip and insists on production. No, he doesn’t give a fuck about the holidays. A man who loves Ben Folds as much as he does clearly is a man without a soul. So here I am, alone in my house on a Monday night (Mrs. TK is at work, blissfully ignorant of this impending disaster), half-drunk on Oban single malt, torturing myself for your amusement. It took me two rounds to steel myself for this bullshit. I’m not even gonna edit out typos. Fuck all of you.
I hope you all find live rabid scorpions in your stockings. Yeah, you Jews, too.
ABC Family Presents: Holidays In Handcuffs. God help me. God damn you.
00:06: It starts with Melissa Joan Hart (star of every nightmare I’ve ever had) driving and saying she’s not crazy. Sadly, I’m fairly certain that I am. Crazy, and filled with an unholy loathing.
1:15 - Mario Lopez gets in her car and tells her she’s the devil. For what will likely be the first time ever, I agree with Mario Lopez.
It just dawned on me that I’m watching a movie starring Mario Lopez. This job is worse than being trapped in a mine filled with lampreys.
2:47 - Holy Balls, Markie Post is playing her overbearing mother. Yes, Markie Post of of “Night Court.” One of the finest comedy shows of my childhood. Oh, Markie. Your star has fallen fast and low. She’s on the phone telling MelJoHar that pink is her color, while MelJoHar is doing her hair, which is currently wrapped in saran wrap.
This Scotch isn’t strong enough.
4:21 - MelJoHar is complaining that her parents are pressuring her to get a real job. And she just got in a car accident, because she’s a dumb bitch who can’t get a real job. And now she’s at her job interview and the only people that should hire her are people who need someone to be fed to wolverines.
6:02 - Now she’s at her restaurant job, managed by a painful Indian stereotype. And she’s wearing a stupid pink dress and reindeer antlers and HOW THE FUCK DID MY LIFE GET TO THIS POINT?
6:53 - I went to college, you know. I’m a reasonably intelligent person. My life was supposed to have purpose. Oh, and apparently her dad thinks she’s a lesbian because she doesn’t have a man. That’s stereotype number two, in less than a ten minute span and I want to die.
7:46 - She apparently has a dipshit rich dickhead boyfriend, who dresses like a GQ-reading frat boy with a penchant for buggery and looks like Jon Dough. He just dumped her, and I dunno, maybe it’s because she’s a psychotic lunatic shrew in a fright wig. Actually, in retrospect, they’re probably made for each other.
9:35 - Mario Lopez just walked in and holy fucking crapfucking monkey ass, I’m watching a movie with Mario Lopez. I’M WATCHING A MOVIE WITH MARIO LOPEZ.
I wish my head could fit down the garbage disposal.
10:43 - MelJoHar is apparently having some sort of mental meltdown, and now she wants to get Mario Lopez (OH MY GOD) to come to her parents Christmas instead of her douche spigot boyfriend. And she just kidnapped him with a fake gun.
12:00 We just had our first pratfall and I’ve drank way too much for 8:00 PM on a Monday. I don’t even care that I’m potentially wasting good Scotch. Anything to dull the pain. I think that says something about this movie.
12:36 - Now he’s tied up and blindfolded in her car and they’re driving to her parents hose. This is just like how I met Mrs. TK. OK, actually I just got loaded on tequila and made a clumsy pass at her. That was 15 years ago. Whatever works, right?
13:34 - The soundtrack to this was apparently done by Wilson Philips, while getting beaten with a sack of potatoes abd tripping balls on acid. I hate my life. I hate your lives.
14:23 - They’re bickering in the car. No, he’s not completely losing his shit about being kidnapped and stuffed in her car, instead he’s…. oh God, please. PLEASE launch a meteor at my house and kill me and everyone around me in a blazing fireball.
You suck, God. You suck and you die.
15:48 - Did I mention that MelJoHar is wearing some kind of fuckiong fright wig? Oh God, make it stop. Please, I’m begging you. Melt my eyeballs in the sockets. An earthquake. Biting worms. ANYTHING.
16:34 - She’s at a gas station and the elderly lecherous attendant, upon seeing Mario Lopez (FUCK YOU ALL AND DIE YOU COCKMONKEYS), he gave her a pair of fuzzy handcuffs to secure him. GET IT? HOLIDAY IN HANDCUFFS? EAT A BUCKET OF FETID DONKEY COCKS.
18:25 - Now they’re talking about golf. It’s official. I have died, and this is hell.
19:29 - Markie just told her that she has pornstar hair. If a pornstar got electrocuted and wore clown makeup and talked like an apoplectic drunk, that’d be spot fucking on.
20:40 - How is it possible that there’s another hour to this movie?
21:01 - Somehow, Mario Lopez isn’t screaming like a fucking lunatic and instead is calmly proclaiming that… no. I can’t. I just can’t.
21:43 - Markie is offering Lopez (AAAUUUGH!) eggnog, and I’m terrified by the thought that these actors are hyaving more fun than me.
22:03 - It just dawned on me that I’m fucking hammered. Not kind of drunk. Hammered. Or, as they say in this nape of the neck, “hammehd, kid.”
IT’S NOT HELPING.
MelJoHar’s sister showed up and she;s roughly 97,000% hotter than her frizzy-haired neurotic sister. She is apparently played by the sister of the girl who starred in Step Up 2. Wow. WOW. Seriously? That’s your claim to fame? Your sister was in Step Up 2. And I’m watching your movie.
There is no God, only a dark monstrosity who causes despair everywhere he turns his gaze. Incidentally, that gaze is currently firmly affixed upon me.
26:49 - Mario Lopez is looking for the key to the car to escape and WHY DON’T YOU JUST USE THE FUCKING PHONE YOU GODDAMN BADGER-RAPING SHIT-SWALLOWING ASS GOBLIN?
27:57 - Now we’re back to where the movie started, with her in the car and kill me.
29:20 - He’s having a quiet breakfast with the fam. MelJoHar still looks like she stuck her face in a electrical outlet. Now they’re fighting over her phone. And he says he played football and his nickname was Flash. Wait, was that a Spider-Man reference? The world is a cruel bucket of venomous snake vomit.
31:05 - Next, he’s dressed like a coked up golfer and they’re complaining about olive oil and… no.
I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.
Here’s my video review of the rest of this abomination:
I hope you all have a lovely holiday where your turkey is filled with maggots and your beds are filled with landmines.
Happy fucking holidays.