Highlights from "SNL": Lindsay Lohan Craps the Bed and Wraps Herself Up in the Sheets

By Dustin Rowles | TV | March 4, 2012 |

By Dustin Rowles | TV | March 4, 2012 |

Last night’s episode of “Saturday Night Live” featured exactly one good sketch — a better idea than actual sketch, but I’ll give it credit. It was also pre-taped.

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The rest of the show? Terrible. It was worse than a trainwreck. A trainwreck is something you stop to watch. Everyone loves a trainwreck. A live LiLo trainwreck on “SNL” would’ve been talked about for years. Last night’s episode will be forgotten by Monday. It was a series of half-assed skits performed half-assedly by a Lohan clearly staring intently at cue cards. She obviously barely showed up for rehearsals, and barely gave a sh*t about what was her last last last last opportunity (before the next one) to rehabilitate her image. Jon Hamm and Jimmy Fallon even showed up for her, and she couldn’t bother to learn her goddamn lines. I don’t know what the hell else went on, either, but clearly something behind the scenes went wrong. They re-ran two old commercials, and Sudeikis had to come fill space as a “weird guy sitting by the fire,” which was actually a little bit funny but I’m not embedding it because it’s two segments of 20 seconds apiece, which is to say, shorter than the commercial you have to watch to see it. They were obviously short on sketches and the ones they had were bad, which leads me to inappropriately speculate that Lohan couldn’t get her shit together.

There were no other highlights last night, but here are the other 5 Least Awful Sketches of the night, in case you’re bored. But do yourself a favor and use a nail gun and shoot a nail in your head instead.

The Monologue — The monologue had Jon Hamm and Jimmy Fallon. It did not help, although Keenan had a pretty good line about “Good Burger.”

Scared Straight — The idea of LL playing herself in a Scared Straight sketch is seemingly funny, but it was fangless and poorly executed, unless you like really bad jokes about prison rape. It was Lohan’s performance in this skit that tipped us to how bad the rest of the show was going to go. However, the skit is somewhat redeemed in the last 10 seconds when Sudeikis leaps up onto a desk and it clearly does something it’s not meant to do, and the rest of the guys on stage crack. It’s pretty bad when breaking character is the highlight of a “Saturday Night Live.”

Digital Short: Afros — How bad was the Digital Short last night? So bad that, though it was clearly inspired by last night’s musical guest, Jack White, Jack White was not in it. Probably too embarrassed.

The Mitt Romney Cold Open — Actually, the cold open was OK, thanks to Samberg’s Kid Rock song for Sudeikis’ Romney.

Weekend Update: Snooki — It wasn’t funny, but hey! Jon Hamm shows up again.

Finally, last night’s worst skit, Delinquent Girl Teen Gang, is running a close second to Zooey Deschanel’s Crab Legs Skit as the worst sketch of the year. Don’t let your curiosity get the better of you.