Look: Now that Aunt Becky is finally facing the music, Full House has been on my mind lately. I mean, it’s probably always on my mind, but this time I’m paying attention to what’s on my mind instead of pushing it down deep into the recesses of my psyche where all the bad feelings go, and I’ve decided it’s time to address a real issue I have with the show that I only kinda sorta liked back in the day—Michelle Tanner was the weak f**king link of the whole thing and I dare anyone to contradict that.
It’s time I finally came out and said it because for too long, Michelle has stolen the hearts of America (and was inexplicably Uncle Jesse’s favorite, too) when Donna Jo Margaret and Stephanie Judith Tanner were right there all along.
What did Michelle ever do for the Tanners? She certainly didn’t demonstrate the dangers of drinking at a dance in Junior High, like DJ did to perfection, nor did she sneak on to a plane headed to New Zealand because no one was paying attention to her like Stephanie did (but she was along for the ride on that one, taking up valuable screen time with her nothingness. Boooooo, Michelle!). Let’s not even begin to think she could hold a candle to Kimmy Gibbler, who sometimes single-handedly carried that entire show on her back and was the true MVP of the whole operation.
No, friends, Michelle Tanner brought nothing to the table, but because she was cute and had a marketable catchphrase, we were subjected to boring-ass Michelle-centric storylines for a good deal of the show.
If you’re wondering if this has anything to do about the time she stole glory straight out from Stephanie’s hands by insisting she got to rub the genie’s lamp first and thus won VIP for a day at Disneyland, you are one hundred percent right. That most definitely is factoring into this manifesto, but let’s not kid ourselves. Michelle did much more to earn this title than f**king up Stephanie Judith Tanner’s game at Disneyland.
In fact, she may have earned the title of weak link more for what she didn’t do than what she did do—because she didn’t do a whole lot, yet we had to have storylines around her. She certainly didn’t drive an entire car through the dining room like Stephanie did and then try to hide from the repercussions. That is some boss shit right there, but no—let’s focus on the toddler who says “You got it dude!” like it’s better than “How rude” or “Oh, Mylanta!” which were Stephanie and DJ’s catchphrases, respectively.
This is no disrespect to Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen—it’s not their fault that the powers that be at Full House decided to go all in on Michelle. My beef is with a fictional toddler named Michelle Elizabeth Tanner, and Michelle Elizabeth Tanner only. It’s time someone finally spoke up about how much she sucked, and how the show relied too much on her—and I’m the 35-year old underemployed woman on the internet to do it.
So in summation—Stephanie and DJ were cool, Kimmy Gibler was cool as shit, and Michelle was the weak f**king link of the whole thing. Play me out, Full House theme song with Ron Swanson’s face, I think we’re done here:
Header Image Source: ABC/YouTube