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B*tch Ranking 'Downton Abbey': All Hail King B*tch Bates

By Joanna Robinson | TV | January 27, 2014 |

By Joanna Robinson | TV | January 27, 2014 |

Here’s a ranking of all the b*tches from last night’s episode of Downton Abbey. Most of our b*tches this week are downstairs b*tches, so enjoy the time off Lady Mary, Lord Grantham. Here’s your b*tch ranking for last night’s episode. Try to keep the comments spoiler free.

5. Dowager: Everyone’s favorite sassy Countess has been so awesome for so long that it really breaks my heart to see her on here. But I’ve witnessed this “I think that worker stole something of mine” plot too many times to think that she could possibly be in the right. That letter opener is going to show up somewhere soon (and not in a fun Season 1 way…buried in a Turk or some such) and there will be egg all over the Granny’s adorable face.

4. Thomas: Is up to sh*t again. He’s brought a new ally into the house and it looks like he’s got something on her. Even if he’s manufactured this pushy alliance with Baxter only so that he can know what’s going on in the house, I don’t like it. It undoes all the great character development we saw in Barrow over the past few seasons.

3. Carson: Last week one of you dismissed my Hughes/Carson ship by saying that Carson wasn’t good enough for Mrs. Hughes. TOO RIGHT YOU ARE. How dare he treat Molesley thus? Sure, our boy Mole was a little uppity in his initial response, but it was irresponsible of Carson to offer the job before he knew for a fact that Alfred was going to leave and it was downright cruel of him to sneer at Molesley when the position was no longer available.

2. Jimmy: I don’t know why they’re painting Jimmy as such a villain this season. Wasn’t he rather nice last year? I mean other than that tidge of homophobia? What did they do to Thomas and Jimmy? I really miss rooting for them to go full gay together.

1. Mr. Bates: King B*tch supreme this week is Mr. Bates for his heartless bullying of Mrs. Hughes. I get that he is heartbroken over Anna’s distance, I really do. My sympathies were with him. Until he backed my girl Mrs. Hughes into a corner and pressed her to share Anna’s secret. There had to have been another way, Mr. Bates. For shame.

Best Line
“The only poet peer I’m familiar with is Lord Byron. And I presume we’re all familiar with how that ended.” — The Dowager Countess. Ain’t no slam like a poetry slam. Runner up? The thirty seconds or so when the Dowager laughed at her own joke.

Most Heartbreaking Moment
I think this is supposed to go to Mr. Bates and his little pity party in the hallway. But you know what? You’ll get no sympathy from me, King B*tch Bates. Instead, I choose to give it to Mr. Molesley for his resignation over losing his chance at Alfred’s job. Remember happier time, Mr. Molesley. Happier times.

Best Dressed
As tempting as it is to pick the kicky yet mysterious outfit Lady Edith wore to the doctor, I’m going to give it to Alfred and his chef’s whites. You’ll get them next time, kid.

Best Accessory
Baxter’s sewing machine. Has one item ever been quite so helpful in winning friends and influencing people?

I can’t be the only one who thinks a quick roll in the sheets would do Cousin Isobel some good, can I? Relieve some of the built up do-goodery tension? GO FOR IT.

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