Look, there is nothing better than when the Vanderpump Rules SURvers get drunk and fight; it’s like a soothing balm to my soul. But this week left me a bit cold. Nothing new was introduced, other than the concept that basically everyone but them learned in 8th grade: the reptilian brain. You know, the one that only cares about survival? Well, our intrepid crew took it upon themselves to use the reptilian brain as a catch-all excuse to explain away years of drunken, bad behavior. Enlightenment, what a trip!
I feel like not a lot happened, even for an episode of Vanderpump Rules, but here’s what did happen:
The editors made sure to highlight the mini-fails of life that the cast frequently experience, like Sandoval trying to be a cool bartender and throwing a cherry in the air to catch in his mouth in front of everyone, only to have it boink him on the face and fall to the floor. Lala shared explicit details about her sex life:
Jax drummed like a dork in his man cave, and tried to be a good boyfriend to Brittany who got her wisdom teeth out (side note: what kind of dentist would allow you to film that? Good lord, people.)
James was blessedly absent for most of the episode, and once again, what Ariana wants to do with her uterus was discussed at length by people not named Ariana.
Here’s the thing about Ariana and VPR—she’s the show’s Greek chorus. She never really causes drama and doesn’t typically do anything to instigate it, she merely observes and reacts. Let’s be honest, she’s kind of boring, but occasionally she’ll chime in and lend some social consciousness to the conversation, and generally remind the audience in the process that she’s probably the least garbage person in the cast. I’ve frequently wondered what she’s doing on the show, and ultimately I’ve concluded she likes money as much as the rest of them.
Back to the original conversation, here’s where Ariana earns her Bravo paycheck. She shuts down Jax bringing up the fact she doesn’t want children (and Sandoval does) handily and thoroughly—set against Schwartz having to take a hit from his inhaler because of the convo, and guys, I’m not certain but that’s not how asthma works?
Jax being Jax, he can’t help but try to get in a potshot about Ariana buying a house with Sandoval, even though Sandoval says children are a deal breaker. Ariana, without skipping a beat, simply replies that Sandoval can have her buy him out at any time and move.
Ariana did not come to play.
Other than that, there was a lot of screeching drunkenly about Doute’s relationship, and Beau and Stassi really seem to be perfect for each other.
Moving on to…
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Yeah, dudes, not a lot happened on this ep, either, which is a shame because trip episodes usually pack a punch. Lisa V’s grief continues to get the best of her, which has opened her up for attack from all sides. Let’s be honest, as I’ve covered previously, these ladies have been salivating for their opportunity to bring Lisa V down, and they’re really only getting the opportunity because Lisa isn’t herself at the moment. Rinna, in particular, is the cat who got the cream, when she convinced Kyle and Teddi that the whole snafu about Dorit and the returned rescue dog was all of Vanderpump’s doing (which DUH.)
I can’t begrudge Rinna’s smugness here—she’s been trying to take Vanderpump down for two seasons and it’s like watching a puppy finally figuring out how to use stairs. For anyone else, it’s a mundane act that you don’t put any thought into—but Rinna has been trying so hard, for so long, it got to be pathetic, so I can’t knock her too much for doing a bit of a victory lap. Dorit, on the other hand, is just…really? Dorit clearly is a woman who thinks she’s smarter and more cunning than everyone else but clearly isn’t. Those alligator tears weren’t fooling me, and I can only think that they were effective because the rest of the women wanted to take Vanderpump down a peg.
Erica, who used to be my MVP, is leaning too heavily into the ice queen stone cold bitch schtick for my liking. She’s not coming off as her own woman, just prickly and lacking a sense of humor. That said, her fashion and makeup is always on point, and I appreciated her island look.
Speaking of lewks, god bless Denise Richards and her extreme under-dressed nature with this crew. Denise, please don’t change.
So I watched the first episode; it’s not as trashy as I’d like, but there are bones here for some good, garbage tv. Particularly in Jenny, the daughter-in-law to the Allendes, and the elder Bessudo, Raquel. The less I see of the brother and sister duo interacting the better; they gave me the absolute creeps, and not in a good way. Doris Bessudo was right when she compared them to Cersei and Jaime on Game of Thrones.
Speaking of Doris, she’s a cousin to Mauricio, Kyle Richards’ husband, so we better get an appearance by those two, this season.
By far the highlight of the first episode was Jenny plying Elan with tequila while he jealously looked on to his weirdo brother and father performing together at a party. I’m telling you, Jenny is going to be the MVP of this show.
Real Housewives of New York will be premiering this week. I’ll be watching, even though I gave it up halfway through last season.
Share your thoughts below, because this thread is always my favorite.
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