Friends, every once and while I’ll wake up in a good mood and go about my day resolute in the knowledge that this day will be a good one. Then, sometime around mid-morning, this happy feeling will vanish in a snap, because a dark thought will cross my mind: how can I have a good day when Passions is canceled?
Yes, Passions, the most WTF TV show in human history was jerked off the air in 2008, and 11 years on, its loss still stings.
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot, friends.
“Get a grip, Kate!” you may mutter to yourself.
“I got over Breaking Bad ending, you can get over Passions!” someone will rage in the comments.
“Why are you writing about this when a credible threat has been posed to the Loch Ness Monster by the warring wizard factions of Europe!?” one of you may snidely DM me on Twitter.
To all of you I say: You don’t understand my pain because clearly you never watched Passions.
What was Passions? Friends, it was the last daytime soap developed in America (Google it, because I did, and I’m right, here), and it was by far the best. Originally airing on NBC when it premiered in 1999 (from 2-3 pm if you watched it on the local Anchorage affiliate KTUU like I did,) Passions centered around the small New England town of Harmony, and primarily focused around a few families: the Cranes, the Bennetts, the Russells, the Winthrops, and my personal favorites, the Lopez-Fitzgeralds. You may remember the controversy when the show first started because Sheridan Crane was (according to the show) a close personal friend of the relatively newly-deceased Princess Diana, going so far as to have Princess Diana’s ghost appear to Sheridan to give her moral support. I f*cking love this show.
…but friends, I’m leaving out the single, greatest duo in the show’s history: Tabitha and the doll she brought to life, Timmy. Today we’re going to talk about them because I realize that there is too much amazing WTF-ness to cover in just one post on Passions.
Tabitha and Timmy were, hands down, the greatest duo in all of pop culture history. This is not open for debate because no other pop culture duo in history was a witch and the doll she brought to life, and that is scientifically the best couple of people you can ever have.
(This is a notable clip because it’s the first reference to Timmy’s fabled “martimmy.” Dolls drink too, OK?!)
They were frequently up to no good, creating hijinks and shenanigans wherever they went—Tabitha was almost always trying to kill Charity Standish (seen at the end of the last clip,) but Timmy loved Charity (Timmy was capable of a lot of emotions for a doll brought to life) so he would step in and stop that before it happened. Timmy had love in his heart, unlike Tabitha—but Timmy loved Tabitha too, and called her his “Princess.” There was a lot going on at any given moment on Passions.
Tabitha tried to kill Charity a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. So many times that I forget them all and had to be reminded on Wikipedia. She tried to drag Charity through a sink. She tried to burn her to death by setting a Christmas tree on fire. She tried to drown Charity by disguising her voice as a small child’s to lure Charity out to the sea. She even disguised herself as a dog to go after Charity.
Finally, Tabitha tried a different tactic and tried to make Charity to come over to the dark side—which would happen, according to an ancient prophecy, if Charity poisoned her one true love, Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald (who was originally played by Jesse Metcalf.) It almost happened, but Timmy swapped out the poisoned item (a flipping petit-four!!!!) and as a result, Tabitha was accidentally poisoned and melted into a puddle … but only for a little bit. So much more happened (like eventually, Charity turned into a zombie, and then good Charity and zombie-Charity had to duke it out) but I want to get back to Timmy.
I’ve mentioned that Timmy loved Tabitha a lot (like, a lot, a lot) and was a real help around the house. Sometimes he’d make “martimmys,” which are exactly what they sound like—but a secret recipe only Timmy knew, and sadly, never shared.
See, Timmy was Passions’ Pinocchio—he longed to be a real boy, and that wish was granted towards the end of his character’s run, in about 2002. The little angel girl who hung around Harmony for s*its and gigs eventually turned him into a real boy, and once that happened, Tabitha started referring to Timmy as her great-nephew. I bet you’re asking yourself why Tabitha hadn’t introduced Timmy to anyone up until that point. You’re forgetting that Timmy was a doll brought to life, and anytime anyone other than Tabitha would see him, he would appear to them as just a doll because thems the rules for turning a doll into a doll-human hybrid. We all know this. Anyway, to the people of Harmony, Tabitha was a weird witch who was always with a big doll that they’d hear her talking to. They apparently didn’t seem to question it at all. Man, I wish I could live in Harmony. Those people seem to just get it, ya know?
Timmy’s storyline has a sad end, as the actor who played Timmy, Josh Ryan Evans, died in 2002 due to complications from surgery. In a s*itty twist of fate, the day he died the show aired his character’s death, too. The plan on the show was always to kill Timmy off for a while to allow Evans time to recuperate from his surgery, and then he’d come back. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen like that, and Timmy was written out of the show instead of recast, out of respect for Evans. Which was the right call because no one else could, and should, have played Timmy.
Passions would continue on for 6 years after Evan’s death, and they would get near to the great heights of his character, Timmy, primarily via the orangutan-turned-nurse named “Nurse Precious” who was in love with Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald, but was also a competent nurse…
But that, friends, is a story for another time.
Header Image Source: NBC/YouTube