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"American Horror Story" -- "Spooky Little Girl": He's Gonna Want A Little More Bang For His Buck

By Joanna Robinson | TV | December 2, 2011 |

By Joanna Robinson | TV | December 2, 2011 |

Previously On “American Horror Story”…Tate was The Rubber Man Rapist. Tate also killed Quinto and Co. because they decided not to have a baby. Aaaaaaaand there goes the fledgling sympathy I had for him. The Murder House (specifically Nora Montgomery but also Hayden and, as it turns out, Constance) wants a baby, and Tate will do anything (including gimp rape) to make that happen. After some impressive gas lighting, Hayden lands Vivian and her shiny hair in the nuthouse for shooting Dan. If that’s crazy, I don’t want to be sane.

Things We Learned:

  • Joshua Malina (aka Dr. David Curan, DDS) is exactly as creepy as I’ve always suspected. Also? “Fill my cavity” is one of the unsexiest euphemisms I have ever heard.

  • The “AHS” crew delve into actual history with this Black Dahlia plot line. Also, the Joker-esque the slices at the edge of Mena Suvari’s mouth? That’s called “The Glasgow Smile.” Magnificently creepy.

  • Drunken, therapy painting Jessica Lange beats sober Lange every time.

  • The ghost of Hayden is shaping up to be the most menacing presence in the house. You can tell because of the excessive eyeliner. She bones Travis, The Dog Walking Lothario just to find out if ghosts and humans can, um, you know, get their swerve on. In case you missed the fact that Hayden is balls to the walls evil, they gave her a theme song: “Spooky Little Girl” by The Zombies.

  • Just when we’re hoping Dan will nailed for Hayden’s death, her ghost appears to exonerate him.

  • Mena Suvari’s Black Dahlia joins the ranks of females on this show who have thrown themselves at Dylan McDermott. Yes, writing staff, this show definitely needed another nympho ghost. Also, him? The man who plays drunken air guitar in front of his student? I just don’t get it. Suvari also gets a far superior theme song: Artie Shaw’s “Nightmare.” It swings.

  • Viv’s twins have different fathers. OH SNAP, THE GIMP-SUITED SH*T JUST HIT THE FAN.

  • Direct from the “Game Of Thrones” playbook we have a prolonged girl on girl sex scene for no real reason. Drink for every shot of a garter-clad thigh.

  • Matt Ross is killing it as Dr. Charles Montgomery. He and Nora are my favorite ghosts.


  • Travis, the Dog Walking Lothario who unwisely asked an unstable young woman if she didn’t mind “finishing herself.” (Cause of Death: Hayden, with the knife, in the Murder Basement.)

  • Mena Suvari aka Elizabeth Short aka The Black Dahlia. (Cause of Death: Too much gas or too much unconscious humping?)

    Horror Cliche:

  • We’re not even being shy about it. According to Billy Dean Howard, The Craigslist Medium, this is most definitely The Anti-Christ we’re dealing with here. Complete with Pope anecdote.

    The Gist: I rather liked the interjection of actual history into the mythos of The Murder House. That was fun and not as heavy-handed as it might have been. However, the show is getting harder to watch because we are running out of sympathetic characters to root for. Despite being the victim here, Vivian’s hysterics make her impossible to root for. Violet sold her mom up the river last week and Tate, oh Tate. I stuck with you through that high school murder spree, but you raped a woman and killed some gays. You bastard. I think the only person I like at this point is the Heirloom Security Guard. And if I’m supposed to care about Dan Harmon’s evolution as a person, if I’m supposed to admire his strength in turning down all the ladies who were throwing themselves at him, well, they’ve got the wrong audience. I fear, with that final scene of nympho Moira turning into older Moira, that Dan’s “progress” is going to be the central thrust of this season. I’m unimpressed.

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