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sandoval-flags.jpeg

All the Red Flags in the 'Vanderpump Rules' Reunion Finale

By Chris Revelle | TV | June 8, 2023 |

By Chris Revelle | TV | June 8, 2023 |


sandoval-flags.jpeg

Friends, lovers, this is it. The final part of the reunion during which Raquel and Sandoval will lay down before lions at the center of a colosseum while we all cheer! Last week in the Bod-scented circle of hell we call Vanderpump Rules, Sandoval decried the cross he nailed himself to and Raquel haunted a nearby trailer.

I enjoyed this hour of sticking two dumdums in the pillory and throwing rotten fruit at them! Here are this week’s Red Flags:

Red Flag
Raquel agrees that she’s been selfish, but says her actions are human. This sets off a 7-way squabble. We’re back in!

Red Flag
Sandoval keeps trying to claim it was “one time.” The Reunion is late in the game to try a new story like this and he got destroyed for trying this defense in part 1 and what do ya know, it doesn’t work, again!

Raquel tries to spin the affair as her pushing Sandoval to reassess whether he’s happy with Ariana. Ariana basically sets them both on fire.

Red Flag
LFU, Raquel, and Sandoval fight about whether LFU is also a mistress and we ended this at Mistress No More. Raquel and Sandoval seem to think that if other people are wrong in similar ways, they can’t be wrong too. This is demented thinking, but it’s very on-brand for them and VPR.

Red Flag
Andy asks if Raquel is taking all the heat while Sandoval gets away unscathed. Raquel gets tons of hate but she doesn’t poke the bear like Sandoval did, taking a run at the Glamor writer who ragged on his white nails so if anything, he’s taking more shit for Scandoval.

Red Flag
We rehash THE KISS. Schwartz tries to do a tight 5 on how weird it was to see himself kiss on screen and everyone hates it. He denies covering for Sandoval, but come on. The jig is up.

Red Flag
Raquel says “Up until this point, I hadn’t done anything wrong.” The delusion. She claims it was all just a mistake. What planet is she on?

Red Flag
Andy tries to bring up how Ally was an early witness to the affair, but James MUST DANCE as he mocks Sandoval. I love hating on Sandoval, but DJ Cokerage has been up to too much. E-fucking-nough with this dude.

Red Flag
We try to hunt down the true origin of the open relationship story. Schwartz claims that there was an old rumor that Ariana and Sandoval had a threesome. It’s not that complicated: Ally misunderstood what Katie said a while ago. Ariana says they never had a threesome. So glad we asked and spent time on this!

Red Flag
Raquel performs a monologue to apologize, and accept that she’s been beyond selfish, and own betraying everyone. She says she felt seen and heard by Sandoval and that was the basis of their connection. Ariana asks why not her, her friend. Raquel doesn’t really answer this and pivots to saying she’s been such a people-pleaser her while life and she wanted to do something for herself. What is going on with her? Hello? Ma’am?

Red Flag
Here’s some micro-theater:

Ariana: “You are a soulless human being.”
Raquel: I am.”
Ariana:” You are rotten on the inside.”
Raquel: “I know.”

~*fin*~

Red Flag
Asked point blank if they’re in love, Sandoval dithers before confirming. Ariana is grossed out and makes the most amazing ew-faces throughout. LFU says that Sandoval and Raquel have done Ariana a weird solid: they showed who they really were. Around the seventh time Ariana hisses, “You’re nothing,” Raquel gets up and retreats off-set. Ariana crows, “Stay away!”

Red Flag
Well, that was for naught, Raquel’s back almost immediately. Okay! Andy accuses Schwartz of co-signing the lie and he knows, but hey everyone else froze him out when he broke up with Katie… so… dunno what the point of that was. Neither did Schwartz because he asks a weird question of Ariana, how it feels to have the whole country behind her? Huh? That was an awkward pivot.

Red Flag
Ariana tears up saying the support was how she got through. She clocks Sandoval nodding sympathetically and berates him for still being with Raquel. Why are they still together, Ariana asks. “It’s gross! It’s an abomination!” Sandoval truly doesn’t get it.

Red Flag
Ohhhh the lightning bolt necklace was a thing after all! Raquel yadda-yaddas that it’s a symbol of who Sandoval became to her. Barf. Lisa speaks for all of us when she says Raquel and Sandoval are living in a dumb fantasy world.

Red Flag
Sandoval has the gall to say aloud that Ariana wore tee shirts when they had sex as if that’s some kind of diss. Everyone takes turns saying he’s disgusting, including me.

Red Flag
In January, Sandoval told Schwartz he was in “L-O-V-E.” These people are children. James hears me and starts shouting “poo-poo head!”

Red Flag
Ariana doesn’t believe Raquel, nor does she accept her apology. Fair! Raquel apologizes to the room and says she’s treating this as a “learning process.” That’s one term for it!

Red Flag
Raquel and Sandoval reflect on how brutal the reunion has been. She doesn’t like who she’s become and hates that she hurts people. “I know, that sucks,” Sandoval says. He wonders, “How could we not lie about this?!” He’s allergic to getting it, huh?

Red Flag
The reunion ends and then we get a surprise final talking head with Raquel. She says she’s been lying for Sandoval who thinks it’ll be less painful for everyone if they hide the truth. Raquel says they had sex a whole bunch in Mexico, during the time of The Kiss! Raquel says she pitched being a throuple to Sandoval and he said that Ariana would never go for it!

We end on Raquel’s tears.

Red Flags: 19
Iconic Shot: Ariana’s disgusted sneers during Raquel’s appearance were over the top and perfect for it.

Chris Revelle shouts into the media void with his pals on Why Did We Watch This?