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'American Horror Story' Recap: She's Got 99 Problems And A Fat Ass Cracker B*tch Is One

By Joanna Robinson | TV | November 14, 2013 |

By Joanna Robinson | TV | November 14, 2013 |

Six Years A Witch Hunter: Thank god we finally have some relevance to connect Cordelia’s husband to the larger plot. I mean relevance other than he’s a mass-murdering serial cheater. He’s a mass-murdering serial cheater with a plan. It’s disappointing that Cordelia wasn’t able to sniff any of that out before now, but I suppose that’s an apt (if clumsy) metaphor for spouses of serial cheaters.

Okay So Officially Now, No One Stays Dead: I said this last week and you all countered with “but, but Madison!” Yes, well, the corpse bride is back in action this week. Who else here is disappointed that Misty has the power of Mederma? I wanted Madison to stay all scabby.

So I Guess The Power Of Resurgence Doesn’t Work On Stereos: Misty can “to blaaaave” Madison back to life but she loses her mind over a broken stereo? Baby, pet, chère, even your swamp has to have an electronics store somewhere. Radio Hovel? Mediocre Buy? Maybe she’s just as tired as we are of Kyle’s Zombie PTSD plot. I love Evan Peters and all, but watching him just lurch around naked isn’t quite doing it for me.

P.S. Misty is, basically, Tom Bombadil. Right?

A-Plus Musical Reference: I don’t know the exact demographics of the American Horror Story: Coven audience but I imagine many of them are, ah, the sort that love to see Evan Peters naked? And, um, delight in a Patti LuPone guest appearance? Teenage girls and gay dudes. That’s what I’m saying. So this Rocky Horror joke? Perfection.

Is There An Emmy For Scenery Masticating? I think there must be. It’s the one Lange won for the first season, right? Well, if so, hand it on over to Angela Bassett for her throne diatribes. I can’t get enough of them.

Zoe Uber Alles: Every week Zoe shows more and more prowess. Now she’s got snappy little comebacks? Meet the new Fiona. Sure, fine, she unleashed a long-dead serial killer. We’ll chalk that up to growing pains.

One Last Great Love Affair: I was so hoping that when Fiona was getting chemo (!) and she mentioned wanting one last great love affair this batsh*t show would hook her up with the ghost of a charming serial killer. American Horror Story loves its serial killers. (Bloodyface, Murder Santa, Black Dahlia, etc.) Danny Huston’s Axeman might prove to be my favorite, though. As much as I appreciate the scenery chewing Bassett and Lange and Bates are dishing out, I like that Huston is a little more restrained. Comparatively restrained. I hope they keep him around.

In case you were wondering which of Meryl Streep’s daughters was in the cold open, that was Grace Gummer. Not, as I had thought, Mamie Gummer. I cannot, for the life of me, tell the two apart. I know Grace was on The Newsroom and Mamie on The Good Wife and I still can’t tell the difference unless they’re right standing next to each other. So, for reference, that’s Grace there on the right…I think.


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