A smidge of self-promotion on this fine Friday afternoon: When I’m not writing about when this actor got hot or when this actor got real hot or whether this actor is still hot or the occasional thinky thing, I run a novelty Twitter account (shoot me in the face, it’s OK, I deserve it) called @BadBuffyOutfits. Put simply, it is a loving tribute to the fashion of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which—and you may not have realized this if the last time you watched it was in 2004—was atrocious.
I’ve learned a lot about fashion from my still-ongoing quest to pore through all six (I said six) seasons of Buffy for every fuzzy sweater, every micro mini, every boxy leather jacket. And I am here today to share that knowledge with you.
1) Buttons are optional
2) Wear pants that can double as a flotation device in the event of a water landing
3) There’s no ill a good bucket hat can’t cure
4) You’re never too young to dress like a PTA mom
5) Everyone needs at least one mushroom shirt
6) Own overalls in every color of the rainbow
7) Every wardrobe is incomplete without a crocheted poncho
8) Sateen pants: comfortable and flattering
9) Turtleneck or choker: why choose?
10) Killing and skinning Elmo is perfectly a valid fashion choice
11) Pairing horizontal and vertical stripes never goes wrong
12) It’s never the wrong decade to dress like a Go-go dancer
13) Jazz up any mediocre outfit with a well-placed cowboy hat
14) Velour: for more than just your grandmother’s curtains!
15) If you’re a boring asshole, you should dress like one to avoid any misconceptions
16) Crimped hair is — no, can’t do it. Can’t even pretend to say something positive about crimped hair.
17) If your trench coat isn’t velvet, you’re wasting your goddamn time
18) Butterfly hair clips are the height of sophistication