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10 Things We Learned From This Week's "American Horror Sto-HOLD UP IS THAT A NIPPLE LAMP?

By Joanna Robinson | TV | November 16, 2012 |

By Joanna Robinson | TV | November 16, 2012 |

What Are You Up To, Sister Mary Eunice? She’s making nice with Dr. Arden and absconding with stumpy Sevignys. Did she plant Shelley in that school to shine a light on Dr. Arden, or did Shelley drag herself there? Seems unlikely. What with the stairs and all.

Your Weekly Monster Sighting: By the by, can you believe an actress of Chloe Sevigny’s pedigree agreed to stump around waving her blisters in the fine Massachusetts air?

Alright, Alright, Wendy’s Dead: Pity, Clea DuVall, I hoped for so much more from you.

Someone Give Sarah Paulson’s Dentist An Award: Many folks are calling for Paulson to get an Emmy nomination for her Lana histrionics. I am not the biggest Paulson fan, but her gums look awfully healthy.

Let’s Be Honest, This Is Where The Award Show Gold Should Go: Last season Jessica Lange mastered the art of the kitchen table soliloquy. Usually while sucking on a cigarette. She’s yet to combine the two this season, but Sister Jude’s Squirrel Speech was classic scenery chewing. Well munched, Jessica.

Did You See That Coming? I did mention in the beginning of the season that I thought we’d see something more interesting from Dr. Threadson. You don’t hire Quinto to play the straight man.* But the last couple of episodes lulled me into a false sense of security and just last week I was predicting something terrible would happen to Threadson. WRONG. Unless, of course, you count wearing teeth as an accessory. Quinto gave a great interview about the twist and his feelings on “American Horror Story” in general.

Please Let Bloody Face Have An Etsy Shop: Because, girl, I have the perfect place for that Nipple Lamp and Skull Mint Bowl.

Kit Is Super Screwed Now: Tricksy, Bloody Face, very tricksy.

Ain’t No Photobomb Like A Nazi Photobomb: We’ll never know for certain if Franka Potente was actually Anne Frank. But we do know that a) Dr. Arden/Gruber was TOTES a Nazi and b) lobotomies go a long way towards explaining the 60s.

Siiiiigh….Aliens: I love every separate thing that Ryan Murphy and company are doing this seasons. But together it’s a lot of crazy. Too much crazy? Let’s recap the episode: nipple lamps, serial killer reveal, NAZI reveal, lobotomy, skull bowl, sterilization, major arrest, a nun sex scene, a stumpy monster sighting, a possessed nun and, oh, yes a FUCKING ALIEN ABDUCTION. Unless it’s a mass hallucination, we’ve got aliens roaming about the place. Impregnating people? Saving people? Alma’s alive? Grace’s lady bits are not? Tune in next week. Same batsh*t time, same batsh*t channel.

*pun most assuredly not intended

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