I know what it’s like to think you’ve had a good idea, only to later realize it should never come to fruition. I was once waiting in that long, long line to go down (yes, down) from the top of the Empire State Building. It was like a slap in the face after following the twisting, turning queue to go from this elevator to that. I finally made it up there, squeezed into whatever nook or cranny my fellow gawkers allowed, took in the glorious views and cranked out my souvenir penny—only to find I had to wait in yet another line to go down. As I mumbled and grumbled all the various expletives under my breath, a positively genius idea sprang to mind: A GIANT, CLEAR TUBE SLIDE THAT WRAPPED AROUND THE ENTIRE BUILDING. Genius, right? People would not only pay to go up, they’d pay to go down. I could practically feel the millions filling up my pockets. But, you know, even as we meandered back toward the down elevators, doubt began to creep in. I don’t know much about physics, but on a ride that long and fast, I’m guessing there might be a butt burn issue. (Could a fast-moving ass actually catch fire?) What would happen at the bottom? There probably wasn’t room to build a giant mattress pad to catch people as they flew out the chute—and turning it into a water slide wasn’t really an option either. The city would probably frown on the insurance requirements, and potential for injury was high. How many people could go at once—might my initial inspiration of getting down faster turn into an even more hellacious waiting experience? As fun and ingenious as my first thought had seemed, it all went down the crapper within minutes.
And, that’s exactly where this asinine idea of herding a bunch of texting twerps into a live performance hall belongs—down the shitter. Some
twatwaffle innovator has come up with a glorious way to waste money; a new theater is being built in Bellevue, Washington, with the express purpose of hosting events during which cell phone use will be encouraged. ENCOURAGED. Executive director of The Tateuchi Center, Todd Haynes calls this “the wave of the future.” (Verizon, can you drown me now?) In order to attract younger audiences, the theater, set to open in 2014, will allow “non-disruptive” cell use, possibly with the aid of small screens to “place on their phones and dim the light.” Oh yeah, that’ll work. But what’s the point? Are people now going to live events merely to impress their friends with play-by-play witticisms? Why bother paying for a performance from which you’ll be completely distracted the entire evening? Must we really encourage the need to live every moment of one’s life in the public eye?
This little 160 million dollar theater project…you know this is an experiment, don’t you? If this works out, the cinemas are next. As if movie-going experiences aren’t unpleasant enough already—what with any film that doesn’t have naked people being overrun by parents who think it’s cool to bring their toddlers to see Saw 47—next they’re going to be filled with teenyboppers texting to their hearts’ content. After that, I’m guessing the texts will end up a scrolling, live commentary onscreen, because we couldn’t possibly be fulfilled simply by watching a movie. After texting comes iPads and laptops and Kindles and Fires, oh my! End times, people, end times. Listen, if the
motherfuckers youth of America want to gather together to text each other, build a giant stadium so they can all sit on the bleachers, messaging until their little fingertips wear down to nothing. Better yet, in the middle of a stadium fill a giant pool of water and build a clear, tube slide that wraps around the entire thing. Send all those little texters on a nice ride, wait for them to splash down and then…flush.
Get off Cindy Davis’ lawn.