Obligatory spoiler warning for dildo-shits that need them.
Tumblr is not exactly where you’d expect to find brilliant Star Wars theories, written in all-caps, emojis and the drips of blood that come with cutting-for-attention-not-for-injury. Even less plausible is a great yarn-wall theory from the father of someone on tumblr, but this theory from the Dad of Letícia Piroutek has been racking up hundreds of thousands of page views over on Uproxx this week, and for good reason: It’s like all the best pop-culture theories: A little crackpot and a little plausible.
The first time I read through it, I thought, “Nah,” but the seed has found purchase. The root is taking hold. This theory is flowering.
OK SO WE GOT OUT OF OUR SECOND THE FORCE AWAKENS SHOWING AND MY DAD WAS DRIVING US HOME AND OUT OF NOWHERE HE WAS LIKE: ………………….oh my god. w HAT IF KYLO REN CHOSE TO GO TO THE DARK SIDE SO HE COULD HELP THE LIGHT SIDE! AND I WAS LIKE WHAT! SO HE WAS LIKE HEAR ME OUT WHAT IF HE WENT TO THE DARK SIDE JUST SO HE COULD KILL SNOKE!!!!
Warning: It’s a four-exclamation point theory!!!!
AND THATS WHY HE’S SO CONFLICTED, AND THATS WHY HE FEELS THE TEMPTATION OF THE LIGHT SIDE STRONGER THAN THE DARK!!!!!
THATS WHY HE TALKS TO VADER’S HELMET, BECAUSE HE IS GONNA FINISH WHAT ANAKIN, THE CHOSEN ONE, STARTED!!!
HE HAD TO COMPLETELY TURN AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY IN ORDER TO DO THAT! TO BECOME A SITH FULLY AND COMPLETELY YOU HAVE TO SACRIFICE SOMEONE YOU LOVE TO DEATH, IN HIS CASE IT WAS HAN!
Yep. It’s just like all those great films where the cop infiltrates the mob by pretending to be one of them and has to prove himself by killing a cop.
THATS WHY HE TELLS HAN HE FEELS LIKE HE’S BEING TORN APART INSIDE, BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO DO IT AT ALL, BUT IT’S THE ONLY POSSIBLE WAY TO BECOME A SITH AND COMPLETE HIS TASK!!!!! KYLO LITERALLY UTTER THE WORDS “WILL YOU HELP ME” TO HAN, AND HAN SAYS “ANYTHING YOU NEED” (OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT I CANT REMEMBER)! WHAT HE’S ASKING IS IF HAN WILL DIE IN ORDER FOR HIM TO COMPLETE HIS FUCKING TASK
THATS WHY IT LOOKED LIKE HE KNEW WHO REY WAS, BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO PROTECT HER THATS WHY HE OFFERS HER TO BE HER TEACHER, HE NEEDS SOMEONE AS POWERFUL AS REY IT’LL BE LITERALLY THE DARK SIDE AND THE LIGHT SIDE JOINING UP TO DEFEAT ONE ENEMY TOGETHER AS ONE, WHICH IS BASICALLY WHAT THE FORCE IS.
THEY LIVE SIDE BY SIDE IN IT THATS WHY HE’S SO CONFLICTED ALL THE TIME, THATS WHY HIS FIGHT STYLE ISNT LIKE A SITH’S AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!
Congratulations, Mr. Piroutek. You’ve solved Star Wars, although your daughter may have exhausted the world’s supply of exclamation points in the process.