Listen: We like lists around here, and ‘tis the season for remembering the highs and lows of the past year. While the Station Agents are looking back on particular TV episodes, I’m going a more random route, doling out superlatives to some of my favorite series in categories that truly matter. Stay silly, deadly and beautiful, my small-screen friends.
(Update: OK, new warning: Some minor spoilers for “Boardwalk Empire” and “The Walking Dead.”)
Best Snarky Buddy Comedy We’d Like to See in a Spin-Off: Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth, “Game of Thrones”
These crazy kids have some shippers, as well.
Best Introduction of a Fairly Nonsensical Drinking Game: True American, “New Girl”
More than one person has tried to nail down all the rules for those of us wanting to play. JFK!
Best Use Of French, And the Best Imitation of Its Use: Megan Draper and Lane Pryce, “Zou Bisou Bisou,” “Mad Men”
Best Use of An Object To Attack/Threaten One’s Enemies
Second Runner Up: Al Capone, a fork, “Boardwalk Empire”
First Runner Up: Maggie Greene, a zombie bone, “The Walking Dead”
The best part of this is how Glenn Rhee obtained the bone — by ripping it out of a dead zombie’s arm, natch.
Winner: Nelson Van Alden, an iron, “Boardwalk Empire”
Best Use of a Kid In a Series, In That He Is Pretty Much Inconsequential to the Plot: Chris Brody, “Homeland”
This is how it should be. Kids can ruin everything, especially in TV series. They’re either precocious or rebellious and getting in the way and, again, ruining everything. Not Chris! Even his fictional parents can be caught looking at him as if they just remembered he exists. He is the anti-Carl of “The Walking Dead” (Seasons One and Two, mind you).
Best Repetition of Heart-Grabbing and/or -Ripping Gimmick: “The Vampire Diaries”
The vamps on this show love this technique — plunging a hand into another vampire’s chest, taking hold of his heart and threatening to rip it out — so much so that numerous clips would work as evidence for this award. Here’s a nice one that is even tricksier than usual. (Hint: It involves one vampire inhabiting someone else’s body! It could happen.)
Best Slurred Singing of Commercial Jingles: Drunk Uncle, “Saturday Night Live”
You said you were on our side, Nationwide.
Best Source of Random Catchphrases Perfect for Ringtones That Are Sure to Confuse Strangers: Jean-Ralphio, “Parks and Recreation”
“Technically I’m homeless!” is just so catchy, though.
Bring on 2013.
Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio.