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Six Ways to Get the Rage Out When the Funk Gets To Be Too Much

By Emily Cutler | Lists | September 29, 2017 |

By Emily Cutler | Lists | September 29, 2017 |

Part of the problem with living current adult life in Trump adjusted terms is that we have to do just that. Be adults. And that sometimes sucks. I mean, mostly, being an adult is great, but there are stressors. We’ve got jobs, relationships, work, fucking traffic. And then on top of that, we’ve got the crushing overwhelmingness of daily political terribility (fuck you, those are words). Which means that, while articles on self-care and treatment are important, they miss an important emotion that needs to be address: pure, unadulterated rage.

As you can maybe tell from the aggressive and unwarranted swearing, I’m prone to a bit of anger. I’m comfortable in anger. But even I get tired of feeling angry sometimes. The issue with anger is that you can’t “cheer up” from it. It’s not the same as feeling sad, because anger does not want to be let go of. You have to entertain it for an appropriate amount of time before it stumbles home to pass out and sleep off whatever you kept feeding it (I’m also a big fan of drinking).

The point is, there’s a process to getting the funk out, and as your friendly neighborhood guide, I’d like to give you a few pointers. Like:

1) Eat A Shitton Of Spicy Food

I personally like to stick with Latin American or Asian fare, but you can make it whatever you like (if you don’t like tacos or noodles, you’re probably in a whole lot of other trouble, but that’s for another time). The point is, you should consume so much that you can barely breathe, and so hot that your mouth stops feeling things. This step serves two purposes. First, it gives you the much needed sustenance you’ll need during your rage out, and two, it both numbs and heightens your feelings from the inside. This creates a nice, foggy haze where you can literally burn through your rage. Once this base level is set, you can do things like:

2) Bitch To Dogs

Note: it is very important that you not be actively raging when you converse with dogs. That’s animal abuse. But dogs aren’t great at picking up higher level emotions like sarcasm and cynicism. So if you just need to vent for a little bit about what a giant dick your boss was being this week, dogs are your ticket. Plus, unlike snooty humans, dogs aren’t going to judge you or try to make this about them. They’ll just continue to give you their mostly undivided attention until you agree to take them for a walk. So also:

3) Take A Walk

I guess. I mean, it’s not particularly ragey, but it is scientifically good for you or whatever. You probably owe it to that dog. You could maybe do something a bit more physically active like punch one of those big boxing bags, or push a giant tire over and over again, but your dog won’t like that.

4) Listen To This Song On Repeat

I love you, The National.

5) Push Your Ex-fiancé’s Bed Out Of His Window

Or eat all of his food after moving into his house against his wishes. Make sure to also make him believe you might be a Japanese ghost. Just generally fuck with as many people as possible’s heads until they question reality itself. In fact, behave as much as possible like Gretchen Cutler. Because, sure, there’s the whole “nervous break down” thing and the “being seemingly mentally unstable” thing, but that girl. Knows. How. To. Rage. Do yourself a favor, and indulge all of your worst impulses for at least a half a day. Your Inner Gretchen will thank you. Plus she seems to be actually attaining her goals, so who the fuck are you to judge her?

6) Meditate Or Do Some Yoga

JK. Get wasted (Editor’s Note: please don’t actually get wasted. We’re not entirely sure what the alcohol-poisoning related laws are in each jurisdiction.) Hell, no. Don’t listen to that jag. Get shitfaced. You’ll wake up hating the world, but in such an exhausted way that you’ll welcome the sweet relief of feeling actually good about shit.