As some of you know, there is a ride called Mission:Space at Magic Kingdom. The ride closes around you and you are forced to stare at a screen inches from your face while you experience g-forces and space travel type stuff. This past summer, we traveled to Disney for a week and visited all of the four major mouse parks. While in Disney World, we rode Mission:Space, not knowing what it really entailed. You can choose the mild version or the more intense version of the experience. Since it was a Disney park, we chose intense.
It was a huge mistake narrated by Lt. Dan.
The ride had more depth and interesting plot points than Gary Sinise’s Disney film (and assumed ride inspiration) Mission to Mars. It also filled me with more emotions, if you count the desperation and anxiety that it caused. I may have yelled “I DON’T LIKE THIS. I DON’T LIKE THIS” while my kid screeched about it being the best day of her life and my husband tried valiantly to hold back the Disney Resort breakfast threatening to also land on Mars. It was not great.
These five movies, however, would spawn Disney rides that would make Mission:Space feel like a leisurely stroll through an air-conditioned free candy buffet. The only rules? These have to be Disney properties and not currently a ride in the parks.
1. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea - 1954
After waiting in an air-conditioned and interactive queue, you are strapped into a ride car that looks like Captain Nemo’s ship. It closes around you and then, instead of pretending to go underwater like The Little Mermaid ride, you actually go underwater. The rest of the ride is animatronics, piped-in sounds and music, and the deafening thud of your heart as you realize there is very little to keep you from dying if something goes wrong.
Oh. There’s also a goddamned kraken attack.
2. Old Yeller - 1957
It’s kind of like Buzz Lightyear’s Space Rangers, but the targets are beloved pets.
3. Return to Oz - 1985
It’s sort of like Tower of Terror, but instead of dropping several stories in an unknown pattern, you are randomly dropped into rooms containing some of the characters from the film. And you never know how close to those characters you will be. Or how long you will be there with them. Characters like:
Mombi and her heads!
4. Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert - 2008
Have you seen A Clockwork Orange? This ride combines Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana movie footage and Mickey Ear-shaped surgical steel holding your eyes open.
5. Holes - 2003
Disney puts your ass to work digging holes for their latest attractions after accusing you of stealing flip flops from Memento Mori. Even worse? Shia LaBeouf is the foreman.