For every Jurassic Park, there are five green screen monstrosities ruining the immersion of a movie-going for everyone. These movies may have been redeemed if only the special effects had been done with something other than MS Paint and some tape, but actually, no, they would still suck. At any rate, I think these movies should get a chance to show themselves with special effects fancier than Mos Def, Jack Black, a video camera, and time on their hands.
Spawn - 1997
Michael Jai White played the titular comic anti-hero created by Todd McFarlane. I remember being so excited to see a black comic character get their own movie and to see Spawn, a man reincarnated as a demon after he is murdered and goes to Hell. There’s more to his story, but you get the gist.
At any rate, I was very excited and then was given this:
COME ON. This is 1997 and we have already seen Jurassic Park bring dinosaurs to life. TO LIFE, MOTHERFUCKER. How are you going to bring this 8-bit piece of shit to us?
The Mummy Returns -2001
Dwayne Johnson as the Scorpion King looks like a monster in a Resident Evil game from GameCube days. Holy bad skin texture, Batman!
I Am Legend -2007
LOOK OUT, WILL SMITH! THERE’S A WAX DUMMY SNEAKING UP ON YOU! AHHHHH! Oh, no. It’s another video game render of the most boring zombies I’ve ever seen.
Green Lantern - 2011
This movie would suck either way, but I wish the CGI had done better by my love Ryan Reynolds. Of course, if it had been awesome, I may not have gotten my Deadpool and then I’d have to kill great swaths of people in Hollywood to get my way.
Star Wars: Episode One The Phantom Menace - 1999
Fucking Jar-Jar Binks. That bug frog-faced slobber king and his slobber peasants. So terrible. See also ALL OF THE SPECIAL EDITIONS THAT WERE NOT SPECIAL AT ALL.