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The 'Harry Potter' Cast Has A Sinister, Sexy Agenda

By Kristy Puchko | Lists | June 3, 2015 |

By Kristy Puchko | Lists | June 3, 2015 |

They’re toying with us.

We watched them grow up. We dedicatedly showed up to eight movies, amassed untold merchandising and made them stars. And now they’re toying with us.

We at Pajiba have been watching the signs and realized that to the commoner it might seem that the cast of the Harry Potter movies are just continuing on in their careers as entertainers. But we know they have formed a cabal that’s sole purpose is driving us wild with desire. It’s a sick competition. And we’re sick of it.

Gird your lions as you peruse our evidence.

Daniel Radcliffe

Sure, Harry Potter himself may tell you he went nude on stage for Equus for the art or to grow as a performer or challenge himself. Sure, Dan. But what about the shot above?


Or this?


Or this?


You dick.

Matthew Lewis

Not to be outdone, former Neville Longbottom turned smoking hot man, Matthew Lewis got his kit off (as they say) for Attitude Magazine.

And look! Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling actually mentioned this crush competition obliquely on Twitter. Clearly, she doesn’t approve of such fan manipulations.

This is next-level Illuminati shit here people.

Rupert Grint

‘Now, wait a minute,’ you might think, ‘The guy who played Ron Weasly hasn’t been cheasecaking it up all over the internets.’ Oh, you naive, Muggle! Grint just has a different angle on this twisted game of seductions.

Free ice cream to children? Please. He knows how we feel about ice cream, being all, ‘Hey girl, I can get you Good Humor whenever you like.” Bastard.

Emma Watson

But it’s not a boys-only club. Not even Hermione Granger is above toying with our hearts. And Watson’s got a sly game going on. Not only is she giving us jaw-dropping glamor shots. She’s also winning our loyalties with feminist activism.


The nerve!

Tom Felton


No surprise House Slytherin is in on this too. Draco Malfoy being all like ‘Let’s talk about the houses—Accio mental picture of my bare butt!’ Butts.

But that’s not his only Slytherin seduction. He also wrote and sang this song, just to enchant your lions!

Further proof that this is all a massive conspiracy: the house sigil for Gryffindor is LIONS!


Conspiracy proven.

Kristy Puchko really wishes she got Accio some waffles right now.